HiStory
by RVFan
Summary: They have been working with Ryan for over two years, but how well did they know him? They didn't, until a further tragedy brought his father back into Ryan's life.CaRWash...eventually
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Verdict

Horatio had made him a promise and had kept it. Forbes had been found guilty of vehicular homicide. Maximum sentence - in spite of the best efforts of the legal team, including Ryan's father. At last Ryan had some closure. It would not, could not bring back his friends nor his lost relationship with his family but perhaps the voices in his head would now quieten.

He hadn't been sure how he would react if Forbes was convicted, with his father on the case, Ryan seriously doubted this moment would ever come but he'd reckoned without the tenacity of Horatio and the MDPD. He thought that he'd feel **something** - elation, relief, something - but not this.

Standing on the Courthouse steps, he was struggling to keep control. He felt her hand brush against his then her fingers gently wrapped around his hand. She was always there for him now, as were the rest of the team. They'd learned more about Ryan in the last few months than in the two years he'd been working with them, and everyone felt guilty how they'd treated the young CSI. They understood him now, how he lived each and every day in his own private hell, a self imposed exile from the rest of the world - but how, more than anything he just wanted to be accepted once again.

He could remember how it had been before the accident and he mourned for those days as he mourned his friends. He couldn't look at Calleigh, he knew she was looking at him with loving concern, and he couldn't take it now, it was so difficult to stop the tears that burned his eyes.

The close party of four - Ryan, Calleigh, Horatio and Eric moved towards the Hummer. Ryan and Calleigh getting into the rear of the vehicle. Once out of public eyes, Ryan folded. It was so hard to take in. Forbes had been found guilty of the manslaughter of the young family, but the murder of his six friends, almost seven years previously, could not be taken into account.

"Lauren, I have to go see Lauren, and the others. I have to tell them" he said tonelessly.

"Would you like me to come with you?" Calleigh asked.

Ryan looked at her and nodded.

"Horatio?"

"Sure, Calleigh, I think the circumstances are so unusual we could let you both go. Besides, it isn't the kind of trip he should make alone." He glanced at Ryan who was holding his head in his hands. The young man's grip on reality was slipping away and Calleigh was the only anchor he had. Although the lab needed her, Ryan's need was greater.


	2. Chapter 2

-1Thanks for the feedback, it was unexpected. I took the idea of the format from 'Nailed' - I've always been told a story should have a 'Beginning', 'Middle' and 'End', 'Nailed' just shuffled them around a bit.

**Is** there anything other than CaRWash? Calleigh and Ryan go together like fish and chips (fries), Yin and Yang…but patience, back to the beginning and his first love.

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2

Changes

He'd had a privileged childhood, one of those 'golden' people to whom nothing was any effort. Studies were easy, people loved him even his two brothers, John and Mark and sister, Olivia, could not be jealous of their youngest sibling - from the moment he was born he brought the love with him.

This did not mean he was immune from the competition between the siblings, actively encouraged by their parents, Ryan was naturally competitive and usually won. They didn't resent his successes, as they did each other, but nor did Ryan resent it the odd time he lost out.

The night of the Senior Prom was the night it all changed. He went over to Lauren's in the stretch limo hired for the evening. Born within a few months of each other, their parents had hoped and planned that the two young people would bring together two old established families (and of course the money that went with it). For Ryan and Lauren all that mattered was they liked each other - well more than liked if they admitted it. Their shared love of science and music meant they had much to talk about. They studied together, argued together and were both assured of places at Harvard so they could continue. They'd known each other so long, they'd skipped the stomach churning heartbeat skipping first days of 'love', each instinctively knew what the other was thinking and anticipated what they were going to say, but as he watched her make the grand entrance down the curved staircase he held his breath. He'd often teased her calling her his Baroque Babe but that night she had the laugh on him. Her red hair tumbled in loose curls and her deep brown eyes drew him in. The emerald green velvet of her dress set the whole picture off perfectly.

"You look absolutely fantastic" he breathed.

"Thank you" her smile spoke volumes. "It was intended to impress"

"And it has! Your carriage awaits my lady"

"Hope you have something bigger, more comfortable and faster than a carriage…or we're going to be late. We still have to pick the others up"

The Prom was better than he'd thought it could be, they all decided it would be a good idea to continue the party. Crossing an intersection on the way home, they were hit by another vehicle. Ryan felt the impact and tried to grab Lauren, to shield her from the impact as he heard the screech of metal against metal - he could see her face, and the faces of his friends tumbling, turning, screaming. The darkness embraced him.

It took weeks, but gradually he came back to them. He wasn't the Ryan they'd know, he had 'died' in the accident with his friends. The shell that had contained Ryan was now occupied by a stranger, someone not recognised by either his family or himself. Every day was a struggle as he tried to come to terms with who he'd become, and he developed routines to help him cope and silence the sounds and memories of that night.

Lauren was in a deep coma and his family decided it was best Ryan didn't see her. She had been part of his life all his life, which made the enforced separation so hard.

His parents refused to talk about the accident, it was his Uncle Ron who told him that the limo had been hit by a drunk driver, John Forbes, and that his father had represented him in court, finding a loophole that meant the case was thrown out of court, but then that was what his father excelled in and why he commanded such high fees. Ron had built the business up with his brother, but even he could not stomach David's stand. The partnership was dissolved and Ron left for Miami.

To Ryan it was the ultimate betrayal, there could be no going back to the former relationship with his family. Ryan had experienced the benefits of his father's work, but had never questioned it before now. Now he had learned to question, he didn't like the answers.

Over the next weeks, he put his 'escape' in place. He transferred money to a new account, registered for his course, arranged accommodation, had all the paperwork forwarded to Uncle Ron, and wiped the hard drive, using software to ensure all data was beyond retrieval.

Forbes and his wife were due for dinner, and Ryan chose that night to leave, he knew everyone would be in the dining room, no-one would notice that he was missing, not until mid day anyway. No-one would expect him to go down, his hatred of Forbes was obvious.

Packing a few things, he picked up his car keys - he'd earned that car, top of his year every year of school, his parents had been so proud of their popular and gifted son. Would they, he wondered, have been so proud and loving had he been average? Probably not, excellence was what counted.

He slipped away into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

-13

Survival or Existence

He'd done it alone, worked his way through college, two jobs, studying and spending as much time as he could with Lauren. People kept telling him that time would ease the memories, but it didn't, if anything the feelings of guilt became stronger. If he hadn't stopped to talk to some other friends, the limo would have passed through the intersection 10 minutes earlier and Forbes would not have hit them. Everyone would be alive, he would still be with his family, and he and Lauren would have been planning their wedding. Instead, she lay in a hospital bed in a coma, he had been visiting his friends' graves on their birthdays and on the anniversary of their deaths.

Ron had been there when the guilt became too much either on the end of a phone or in person. Lauren's parents did their best to convince him that it Forbes was the guilty one, **he **had been drinking. Nothing made the guilt any less, nothing helped ease the memories and the routines developed to quieten the voices had become part of him, no longer a comfort they had become a compulsion.

He hadn't formed any close friendships since that day, he was determined that he would never again allow himself to become close to anyone, or allow anyone to get close to him. It hurt too much when things went wrong, and he knew he couldn't take any more mental punishment. He couldn't be responsible for any more deaths.

The first few months away from home had been difficult. He'd never had to work to a budget, the financial cushion he thought he'd given himself went far more quickly than he'd anticipated. He'd failed Organic Chemistry because his chronic lack of funds meant for a time he'd been working three jobs.

Still, he had his Bachelor's in Chemistry, Uncle Ron had been there on the day, but all he could think of was Lauren and how she should have been with him. He wanted to continue and get his Masters, but finances did not allow it. In spite of scholarships and work he also had to take out student loans, looking at the amount building up, he felt he'd be close to retiring before he'd paid them off.

Uncle Ron came up with an alternative, Miami PD were recruiting, why not work for them and continue his studies in his spare time? Although he hated the thought of leaving Lauren, it seemed to him the best option.

He figured Miami were desperate for cops as they took him on - true he hadn't mentioned he had OCD, but then they didn't think to ask a direct question.

The discipline and structure suited him, and he once again began to 'ace' his course subjects. It was approaching Finals that Ryan saw the optional seminar to be given by CSI Tim Speedle. He had nothing else that day, and the topic appealed to him.

He arrived early - he was never, ever late, and was surprised to see a slim attractive blonde at the podium

"Er, excuse me, but am I in the right place?" he asked

"You were expecting Tim. He's had to attend court, I'm substituting." She replied with a beautiful soft southern lilt. "Don't worry, I'm qualified" she smiled, Ryan almost forgot his promise to himself - and Lauren.

The seminar convinced him that if a job came up in CSI, he'd apply for it, he could use his scientific training and the strict protocols would suit his temperament.

Much later, after he'd had his interview with Horatio and assigned his first case, he looked again at the notes he'd written. In a margin, he'd noted…"Outside box. Studs, earrings…get ear pierced?" He'd also drawn a smiley.

None of them realised how difficult that first case was for him, he was genuinely relieved when it was proved Calleigh's father had not killed the victim, that would have been too much to bear. They never would know, Ryan just couldn't allow himself that indulgence.


	4. Chapter 4

-14

Repeat

Ryan had been a CSI for almost three years, but had not been fully accepted by the rest of the team. There were times when it seemed as though it could change - there would be days when he would laugh with them, even flirt with Calleigh, but he still could not remove the barriers he'd set up to prevent himself from getting too close to anyone, though part of him desperately wanted to. Something would happen to remind him of what had happened and the barriers would be re-established and he'd withdraw from the group again. It was hardest with Calleigh, he loved her, had done almost since the time he began working at the lab, but could not allow anything to happen. How could he possibly take the chance that history would repeat itself and **she **could end up the same as Lauren. It tore him apart when she began going with a new boyfriend, but on the other hand, she deserved to be happy - he just wished it could be with him.

He'd not long got to work when the call came in. A fatal road accident, he checked his kit (not that he needed to, he always replaced used equipment as soon as he got back to base). Natalia caught up to him, "Can I get a lift?" she asked, "I was going to ask Eric, but he's already gone"

"Sure"

Ryan froze when he saw the accident scene. It was an echo of the one he'd been in almost seven years ago. It was a smaller vehicle, a people carrier, loved and used by families, lying on its side, the SUV had hit it broadside. Ryan could see the paramedics frantically trying to reach the people inside.

Over to the left, a familiar figure was being questioned by the patrol officers, Ryan recognised him immediately, although it had been seven years since they'd last met. He turned on his heel and strode over to Horatio.

"Sorry, H, I can't touch this"

Horatio Caine removed his glasses and looked at the young CSI incredulously. "Explain, please" , his careful, measured tone made Ryan uncomfortable

"If you check with Officer Jenkins, you'll find the guy's name is John Forbes, he's from Boston and" he paused, as the horrific memories of that night swamped him, "and he's a friend of my father's"

"In that case, I think it would be best if you return to the lab. Eric, you will have to supervise Miss BoaVista, Ryan's returning to base". Ryan could see the look of disgust in Eric's eyes, he hadn't heard Ryan's explanation to H, to him it was simply because Ryan couldn't hack it.

Ryan paused, "H, do something for me, please…"Horatio wondered what had got into Wolfe, "This time, **this time - **make **sure **he doesn't wriggle off the hook on a technicality"

Ryan turned to leave, "Further explanation will be required when I return" said Caine. The last thing Ryan wanted was to have to talk about it, he'd spent seven years with it constantly in his head.

"No, please, I…I can't, I just can't"

As Ryan ran to his Hummer, Frank Tripp walked over to Horatio, "What's eatin' him?"

"I don't know, Frank. But we need to find out."

"Well, Wolfe comes from Boston, I have contacts there. I'll see what I can come up with"

"Thank you, Frank. It seems our young friend has some secrets he doesn't want us to know. Oh, you will make sure all procedures are followed - to the letter"

"Sure thing, all 'i's' dotted and 't's crossed, spelling and grammar double checked" he grinned. He flipped his cell and dialled, he began talking as he walked away from H to the patrolman.

Ryan didn't go back to the lab as H had told him to do. There was only one person who understood what he was going through right now, only one person he could talk to now. Ryan was miserable, more so than he'd been for years. He'd learned to cope with who he'd become, it hadn't been easy, and every day was a struggle. Uncle Ron had always been there for him, and it was to his uncle he was running now. He knew he'd be in trouble with H, but he didn't care. He needed the comfort, space and understanding that only Ron was able to give him. He was fighting the tears, once he'd reached the sanctuary of his uncle's apartment, he could let go, but until then he must keep control.

It seemed to take forever but at last he could see the building. Ryan now began to hope that Ron would be home, he hadn't given any thought to it before. At last he reached his uncle's home.

"Ryan, what's happened?" Ron opened the door and Ryan almost fell in.

"Forbes is in Miami" he muttered and broke down, he couldn't maintain control any longer.

A couple of hours later, Frank Tripp walked into Horatio's office and dropped a file on the desk. "Had it faxed over" he explained. "Seems young Ryan comes from a very influential family. He was involved in a traffic accident, little over six years ago, six fatalities, one still in a coma, and Ryan more or less walked away from it. Their car was hit at an intersection, drunken driver but…" Frank paused, "**Forbes **got away with it. And you'll never guess who the Defence attorney was"

"So tell me" though the way Frank had phrased the question gave H the answer.

"Ryan's father"

Neither man could understand how a father could do such a thing to his own son. Neither could imagine the pain it must have caused a young man who had experienced so much, but they began to understand the reasons behind Ryan's inability to talk about the incident.

"Frank, we have another problem"

"And that is…"

"I've no idea where Wolfe is. I told him to come back to the lab, but he didn't."

"Has anyone contacted his uncle, maybe he has some idea where he is"

"Maybe we should go and ask him"

Personnel held the address as Ryan had nominated his uncle as next of kin, and the man who answered the door was clearly a relative of Ryan's - the family resemblance was unmistakeable.

"Horatio Caine and Frank Tripp" he didn't need an introduction, so it was clear Ryan had been talking about the people he worked with. "Come in." Ryan had been sitting on the couch, but jumped up as H and Frank entered"I'm sorry, H, I guess I'm on reprimand, huh?". His voice was toneless, the stress was etched in his face.

"Let's get back to the lab, and we'll talk about it. I think there could be extenuating circumstances. But I think I will drive". Ryan obediently handed over the keys, did H detect a sense of relief?

"Will you come back tonight, we'll talk more" Ron asked as the three left.

"Maybe" Ryan replied.

When they got back, Horatio told Ryan to go to Trace while he caught up with Eric on progress. He was stopped by Eric, still annoyed at being left to process the scene. "Hey, Ryan, you had enough to say about me not turning up, but to turn tail and run just because you couldn't face the scene."

"It wasn't that, Eric" the voice was almost pleading, all Ryan wanted to do was avoid any confrontation, get to his lab and hide for the rest of the day.

"No, Wolfe, you don't get away that easy. You think I found it easy, and what about Natalia, she's only been in the field a few months, but even she has more guts than you!"

"It wasn't like that" Ryan could not look Eric in the face.

"Eric, my office, now" Horatio's voice was raised, in itself an unusual occurrence, "Ryan, please do as I asked". Eric was shocked, H had called Wolfe by his first name, something he very seldom did.

When Eric left to go to H's office, Ryan saw his route of escape was clear - and took it.

Calleigh and Alexx were already in H's office when Eric arrived.

"I thought it best to get everyone together so I just need to go through this once. Eric, you really need to ease up on Ryan, there are reasons why he behaved the way he did today"

Horatio then went on to give them the story as he'd recently learned it.

All three were silent, wrapped in their own thoughts, thinking of all the times they'd been too hard on Ryan or misjudged his motives. But there was no taking it back, no undoing the initial rejection, even Horatio regretted the fact that he'd assigned Ryan his first case - a potential death while DUI, but you cannot change history.

A couple of days later, Eric was arriving for work when he saw Ryan slightly ahead of him. He wondered where Wolfe was going in his expensive new suit. Heck, where did he get the money for something that good? Maybe he'd finished paying off his student loans and now had some money to himself.

Eric ran up the steps to catch Ryan, "Hey, like the suit - you come into money or something?" Ryan looked though him and carried on into the building. "Ryan", Eric caught hold of Ryan's sleeve. "Touch me again and you'll be charged with assault" He pulled free, into CSI building and into the lobby, to the reception desk.

Eric was shocked into silence for about two seconds, then his temper rose and he ran after the retreating figure.

The lobby was busy and filled with people coming and going - as usual. Calleigh was talking to Horatio and waiting for an attorney to collect copies of the reports drawings and photos relating to the Forbes case.

"Ryan, didn't know you'd left to get changed" Cal began, and stopped mid sentence as Ryan looked at her so coldly it took her breath.

"Wolfe, don't you ignore me" Eric yelled.

"The name is Wolfe, I'm on the team representing John Forbes. I understand you have some documentation for me"

The receptionist looked at Ryan, "We all know who you are, Ryan"

"No, **I'm **Ryan", called a voice from the corridor, "**He's **Sean"

Everyone did a double and triple check - Ryan had never mentioned a brother, let alone an identical twin.


	5. Chapter 5

-1Sacrifice

The following morning, Calleigh and Ryan were working in the lab.

"So why didn't you mention you had a brother?" She asked.

Ryan looked at her, he was back in control, but it was costing him a lot - more than he cared to admit, even to himself.

"Wasn't relevant, Cal" no-one else would dare shorten her name, he did it without thinking.

"How can you say that?"

"Easy. I left all that behind six years ago, had no contact since. Had no intention of ever going back. It wasn't going to make me better at my job, so no relevance. But if it really bugs you, I actually have three brothers and one sister. They're still in the family fold and still enjoy full privileges of our father's hard work - and money. I had to pay too high a price though, which is why I had to leave. Seems as though Sean has gone into the family firm, so I guess he's following in daddy's footsteps"

"An identical twin, it isn't something you can just forget about, I mean, aren't you supposed to have a mental link or something?"

"Some do, I suppose, but not Sean and I. Have you ever though what it would be like to see someone else with your face, Cal? Sean and I lived with it every day, the nanny had to put wrist bands on us so she knew which was which…I kept telling them **I** got the brains, personality and sense of humour" he grinned weakly.

"But your niece, how did she know how to get hold of you?"

"That's and easy one, I call Lauren's parents at least once a week, Tania only had to ask them for my number. It isn't as though I've exactly tried to hide. Olivia wouldn't let Tan have the iPod, so I figured it would really annoy her if she got one"

"So you …"

"Yeh, the most expensive 'cheap' present I couldn't afford" Calleigh looked puzzled, "Tania would regard the iPod in much the same way as you would a box of chocolates" Cal raised her eyebrows in surprise, "OK, a large box of chocolates. So to her it would be 'cheap', to me it was more than I could really afford - had to live on beans for the rest of the month"

"Mmm, we noticed" she grinned. The pain in his eyes made her regret the comment immediately.

Eric poked his head around the door, "Hey, Ryan, visitor for you downstairs"

"Go on, I'll carry on here till you get back" Calleigh turned back to the desk.

Ryan hoped it wouldn't be Sean again, he wasn't in the mood for any more family visits. But it wasn't Sean, it was a thousand times worse - it was his father. He felt pretty much like a wild animal caught in the headlights of a vehicle. He wanted to move - preferably run far and fast as he could, but he was paralysed, his father launched a verbal attack, though Ryan didn't hear it, except that he finished with "At least now I know our job is a lot easier. Any lab that would employ **you**, must have sloppy procedures."

Ryan fled to the men's room, slammed the door of one of the stalls shut and slid down the wall, burying his head in his folded arms.

"Ryan, Ryan" Horatio's voice was concerned.

"I can't do it any more"

"You can, and you will - because otherwise they'll have won."

"I really don't care, I've nothing left"

"Ryan, you know we can't do anything about your accident, but we **can** about this one, and Forbes is going down for it. He wont hurt anyone else. Come on, open this door, let us try to help you"

"There's nothing anyone can do" his voice was so flat, Horatio was seriously concerned at Ryan's mental state.

"Ryan, open the door, please"

With a supreme effort, Ryan got up and unlocked the door. He allowed Horatio to steer him to the break room, sit him down in a chair and accepted the coffee placed in his hands.

"I'm scared for you" he muttered.

"What do you mean?" asked H

"For you and Eric. My father may not be leading on this one, but he'll have hired people who think as he does. Find the loophole and discredit the witness - especially the expert witness, he destroys people. I've seen him in action, you haven't"

"I saw him with you, anyone who can treat his son that way"

"But I'm no longer his son, H. The accident changed me, my character. Worst thing is, I can still remember how I used to be, I wish I could forget, it would be so much easier…" his voice trailed off.

"Do you want go home?"

He nodded.. "Just watch your back, H. Seriously, my father can play dirty - especially when he's getting as big a retainer as Forbes pays. Not that he'd do anything **illegal** exactly. Just as near to the edge as he can get. I suppose.."

"Suppose what?"

"Don't know if you heard him before - he considers me a weak link here, something to question your judgement on. Might be better if I'm not associated with the lab."

"You're suggesting we should let you go?"

"For the good of the lab, I'll make it easier. I resign"

"There's no need for that"

"I think there is, no, I **know** there is. I've never really been part of the team anyway. I wont really be missed, except maybe with a sense of relief."

He removed his badge and gave it to Horatio, together with his service gun. "It's best if I go now." He stood up, I'll just collect my things, I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything to the others till I'm well away"

"If you're sure"

"I am. I'm quickly running out of options. I hate to take this course of action, Horatio, I really do - you've been better to me than anyone I've ever known. I hate to let you down like this." He held out his hand to Horatio, "I doubt I'll be allowed to see you again. Thanks for your faith in me, I wont forget it"

Horatio shook Ryan's hand, and wondered just what the young man was trying to tell him, there was some sort of message, why couldn't he come straight out with it? Perhaps pressure was being applied by someone - Ryan's father, perhaps?

Ryan carefully avoided Calleigh, Eric and Alexx, he couldn't face saying goodbye to any of them but most of all - Calleigh, That was the hardest part of all, never seeing her again. He decided against going to collect his things from his locker - there wasn't anything he wanted to take with him. The fewer reminders he had the better.

He flipped open his cell phone and made the call, "OK, you win. My apartment in half an hour"


	6. Chapter 6

Return to the Lair

The night had been a bad one, he hadn't been able to sleep because of a number of factors, he couldn't follow the usual rituals, sending his stress levels soaring, strange room, knowing he'd never be able to see Cal again. His eyes were feeling gritty as he opened his academy folder. A loose leaf one he'd made notes at the various seminars. In the margin he traced the words

"Outside box. Studs, earrings…get ear pierced?" and the smiley.

He was back to the day he'd first seen her

_"You were expecting Tim. He's had to attend court, I'm substituting. Don't worry, I'm qualified" _

He remembered what she'd worn, how she'd looked, how she'd moved, the way her hair folded over on itself when she walked. He loved Lauren, but what he felt for her was so much more, he didn't consider her his equal - she was by far superior. He had never held her, never kissed her, he cursed himself for his stupid stubbornness then cursed himself for not sticking to his own rules, and for allowing himself to get close to her.

He traced the words again with his fingers…and again…and again…

Putting the folder away, he opened the door to his room and joined his father and brother in the lounge.

"Settling in?" the older man asked.

"Not really, I need some things"

"Room service will send it on up"

"What, including a gun and cleaning materials" His father looked at him, puzzled, "Long story" shrugged Ryan, "I have a mild case of OCD, just need to indulge myself"

"_That's quite a case of OCD, Mr Wolfe" Horatio had said after inspecting his back up_

_"I've just lost this job, haven't I"_

_"You know, I need to think about this"_

"I'm just going for a walk, not used to being inactive all day"

"You could give us a hand here" Sean said

"Such as…?"

"Such as go through these reports and identify any shortcomings" Sean threw a folder on the table, and Ryan saw a familiar badge on the cover. Sean smiled as he saw his brother's face.

"I agreed to come back, I didn't agree to help you cast doubts on the Lab" He wanted to add that Eric and Calleigh were the best, that he wouldn't be able t fond any fault with their work - but he didn't. He was aware that any comment he made would be used against the lab. Ryan's defence of his friends would be used against everyone.

"You will be expected to make a contribution to the firm. You might as well use your expensive training" added David

"You didn't pay for it."

"But we have, your loans have been cleared"

"I didn't ask for that" protested Ryan

"I know, but it's done Ryan. All we really wanted was for you to come home"

"All you wanted was for me to come back and do as I was told, like a good little Ryan" and with that , Ryan left. He had a letter in his pocket, one he'd very carefully written during the night. He couldn't face seeing Cal, couldn't explain to her but he wanted her to know all the things he'd been unable to tell her while they'd been working together. Most of all, he wanted her to understand why he had to leave.

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"I can't believe he would go without saying goodbye", Calleigh slammed the test tubes on the desk so hard, it was a wonder they didn't smash. "I'm not sure whether I'm more mad or sad"

"Calleigh, just take it easy" Eric's tried to calm her down.

"I thought we were friends"

"Well, I guess he had his reasons." Alexx said.

"What reasons? He was big on talk of loyalty, had more than enough to say when others didn't live up to his high standards." The sarcasm in her voice was unmistakeable."

"Honey, we really don't know what was going on in his mind, but I do know there are certain people he would die rather than let them down."

"In that case, why didn't he say goodbye, why did he have to go at all! He didn't even clear out his locker!"

"Well, I've come to do it now". Three heads swiftly turned to the door. "Sorry about the sudden departure yesterday, I had a lift waiting"

Calleigh glared at him, unable to trust herself to actually say anything.

"I guess a farewell meal is out of the question?" Ryan grinned, "I was going to pay. No takers? Shame, I can afford the best now. But no matter, as I no longer work here, is someone going to escort me to my locker?"

"I'll do it" snapped Calleigh, "Want to have words anyway"

"Sounds ominous" Ryan said grinning.

As they walked Ryan watched Calleigh and wondered…"You know, I always regretted we didn't get together.." the rest of the sentence was frozen by one of her looks, "Oh well, office romances usually end badly" he changed the ending, "and to be honest I don't think you'd really fit in with my new way of life"

"I thought you said it was too high a price to pay"

"What was?"

"Living with your family, you said…"

"Oh Calleigh, that was before my father put me straight on a few points" she looke at him, puzzled, "I always thought Forbes was responsible for the whole thing, but it wasn't like that"

"It wasn't?"

"The lights were out at the intersection, we distracted the driver and unfortunately Forbes collided with us"

"So that makes everything OK?"

"Not exactly, but it means I was at least partly to blame. Look Calleigh, things have changed for me now, I'm back with my family - and you were the one who showed me that family means more than anything"

"I did?"

"Yes, you supported your father even when you thought he just might have killed someone"

"But you proved…."

"I know, and I'll always be glad I did, but you believed in him…surely you can understand me, I have got to give my father the benefit of the doubt"

"I suppose so."

"Glad you understand, Calleigh"

"Someone once said to me that a man was more than the sum of his neuroses"

"Good one, I'll remember that"

"You can quote me. Well, goodbye Ryan, I wish you all the best" she looked directly into his eyes, "I don't suppose we'll meet again"

"Probably not" he replied, "but I'll never forget you"

"Can't say the same" as she waited for him to empty his locker.


	7. Chapter 7

-1Explanations

"Well, say your goodbyes did you?" said Eric and instantly regretted it. Calleigh's look could have frozen an ocean - instantly.

"It wasn't Ryan" she said simply

"What do you mean…"his voice trailed off

"There's more to being Ryan than just looking like him. You can tell how Ryan's feeling by the colour of his eyes, they're like moodstones. You couldn't read a thing in the eyes of the guy who was just here. Oh, and he was babbling on about how he wished we could have got together"

"Well, that one was obvious to everyone" interrupted Alexx

"It was?" Eric was confused. "Ryan not being Ryan?

"And he never once called me 'Cal', but mostly…Alexx, do you remember a few months after he started here, were asking him about his OCD…"

"And you could almost see the shutters come down as he became more and more annoyed"

"Precisely, and he looked at us with that deadpan look of his and said 'Cal, Alexx, a man is more than just the sum of his neuroses"

Alexx smiled as she recalled the moment, the first time she had begun to accept Ryan in his own right, and not just as Speed's replacement.

"Well, when I quoted it to 'him' a few minutes ago, he said it was a good one and that he'd remember it"

"So why would Sean pretend to be his brother" queried Alexx.

"Perhaps they wanted to make sure Ryan wouldn't be welcome here" said Calleigh.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How did it go?" asked David Wolfe

"Fine" Sean placed the belongings on the sofa.

"Think they swallowed it?"

No reason why they shouldn't, is there?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following evening Calleigh retrieved her mail from the mail box and saw familiar writing. Although not to his usual precise hand, she recognised it as Ryan's. She let herself in and put the coffee machine on. It was a remarkably thick letter, and Calleigh decided she needed to take her time over it, a coffee or two would do very nicely.

She settled into the comfort of the sofa, carefully opened the envelope and began to read.

Sitting bolt upright, the coffee was abandoned and the leisurely read became a quick scan.

The letter consisted of four sheets , three further ones were blank, was it caution or paranoia she wondered.

She decided a call to Horatio was in order, and she dialled his number, "H, sorry to disturb you off the clock, but I really need to talk. It's about Ryan. Is is OK if I come over?"

Horatio was waiting for her as she arrived, "Come in, Calleigh. What was so important it couldn't wait until tomorrow?" Calleigh handed him two of the four written pages, together with the blank sheets, "the other two were personal" she explained before H could ask why it was unsigned." Surely MDPD would have checked to make sure he had a clean record before they accepted him to the Academy"

"Yes, they would have done, that's why I can't understand this. But we know someone who can help"

He flipped his cellphone and rang Frank on speed dial, "Frank I need some more information. Would you check and see if there is any record of Ryan Wolfe being arrested on possession charges." He paused while Frank asked for some further details, "It would be shortly before the accident, yes far as we know Boston. Right, leave it with you. No, I don't believe MDPD would've missed it, even though the charges were supposedly dropped following the accident. Well, according to him, he has no recollection of it ever happening" He turned back to Calleigh, "I know you said the remainder of the letter is personal, but it may be at some time you'll have to let us see it"

Horatio re-read the letter. In it Ryan explained he'd had to leave the lab due to the fact his father had shown him copies of a charge sheet, evidence he'd been arrested on a possession with intent to supply charge shortly before his accident. Ryan had no memory of the incident, but he knew no-one would believe him, it was just too convenient. He couldn't take any chances that the lab would lose accreditation because of him, so he had no option bu to quit. He also realised he'd have no choice but to return to his family. He would be obliged to declare the arrest, so would be unable to find work in his chosen career. It was the very last place he wanted to be, he'd tried so hard to lead his own life on his own terms, but it was a luxury he could no longer afford. He would always remember his time working with her, Horatio, Alexx and Eric, asking her to pass his regards to them all - but he understood if no-one would want to hear his name again. He regretted letting everyone down, but he hoped they just might give him the benefit of the doubt, however short a time, he had never intended to deceive anyone, he truly had no memory of the arrest.

"There isn't any more can be done tonight" H said softly, "Go home, get some rest. We'll try to sort this out"

"Goodnight, H, and thanks. I wonder what he's going through"

"I just hope he can hang on long enough for us to get to the truth"

"You don't believe he did it, do you?" she was almost pleading

"The Ryan we know wouldn't, but he did say the accident changed him. But tomorrow Calleigh"


	8. Chapter 8

Next Steps

Returning home, she poured the coffee that had been brewing since she'd left and settled down to read the read the remainder of the letter again.

"But the hardest thing is knowing I can never seen any of you again. Horatio had faith in me and gave me a chance when few others would For that I will always be grateful. Alex - the big sister I wish mine could have been. Eric - whose opinion I actually respected though I'd **never** let him know it. There is and always will be a special place for you. I know you didn't remember me from the seminar, I accepted that though it did hurt a little - I had hoped I'd made some sort of impression.. Then I got the chance to work with you, couldn't believe it when H told me what I had to do - I knew you'd hate me for finding evidence of your father's crime. But it didn't work out that way. I was almost as happy as you

I love you, finally said it out loud. I tried not to let it happen, but you got under my defences. There have been so many times I've wanted to tell you, but it was never the **right** time and I was afraid of losing you as a friend. Girls like you don't date freaks like me - I know, I used to be the kind of guy you would have. So I kept quiet and hoped you might give some hint that you might be feeling the same way. But it didn't happen

How long will I be able to see you in my mind? How long before you fade as a dream on waking? Don't forget me Cal - hate me, get mad at me for leaving the way I did, for how I used to screw up, for how I'd say or do stupid things - but please, don't ever forget me. I will never be able to forget you.

I still love Lauren, but those feelings have been frozen at a moment in adolescence. I don't know if I'll be able to contact her parents, perhaps someone could let them know I haven't abandoned her willingly.

Love you, Cal,

Ryan"

She eased back on the sofa and closed her eyes, she was so tired now, she really should to go to bed. Had Sean known how Ryan felt, or had it been something to make her feel bad? She had been attracted to him, but it never would have worked - office romances and all that. Part of her wished he hadn't put his feelings into words, it made her think about how she thought of him, and now there'd never be a chance for them to find out…"Ryan Wolfe, you really are the most infuriating person I've ever met, why couldn't you have said something before!". She knew it would be easy for her to do as he asked, she couldn't forget him, and as for Lauren's parents, she'd do that for him too.

With those thoughts, she went to bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was another night of fitful sleep for Ryan. Unable to follow his routines, the prospect of disaster became a certainty, he listened to the police broadcast to satisfy himself that all was well.

He could hear his father and brother discussing something, but couldn't make out the words, it really didn't matter anyway. The he heard someone leave, he assumed it was Sean.

The door opened suddenly, Ryan was vaguely aware his father had entered his room.

"Sean and I have been talking" Ryan didn't react, "We think you'd be better off going to somewhere they can help you with your problem" Still no reaction, David Wolfe got up and angrily turned the radio off. "Now, you **will** listen" Ryan looked at his father.

"I haven't got a 'problem, not one I can't handle, anyway" he replied. David hadn't realised that although Ryan might not acknowledge someone talking to him, he wasn't being intentionally rude, he was waiting until he had something to say.

"That isn't coping, that's giving in to it"

"So feeling like this is better, is it?" Ryan's voice was quiet but bitter.

"You need professional help"

"What I **need** is to be able to live as I choose"

"That isn't an option is it, Ryan. Not if your colleagues learn of your little indiscretion…although it wasn't so little, was it. Quite a substantial amount. It would have you any idea how that could have affected the rest of the family, if you hadn't been involved in that accident, and if I hadn't put in a plea…"

"So now you want to put me away where I can't be any further embarrassment. For how long?"

"It isn't like that, it's to help you. As soon as you've made enough progress, you can come home again"

"When is all this going to happen?"

"We'll all be returning home in a couple of days. Your mother is looking into suitable places, it should all be arranged by then. Now, get some rest" As he left, David removed the radio.

Ryan lay on his bed, he could remember feeling this hopeless in the hospital as he recovered from the accident, being so close to Lauren but unable to go to see her. Now it was even worse, because he had put himself into this situation. As his father had pointed out, there wasn't really an alternative.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calleigh arrived at work the next day, as she passed Trace she looked in and subconsciously hoped to see Ryan there. It suddenly hit her how much she missed him being around.

"Morning Calleigh," Horatio said, "rough night"

"You know how to make a girl feel good about herself she smiled, though she didn't feel like it, "You going to say anything to the others. About the letter I mean?"

"Let's give Frank a couple of days, see what he comes up with"


	9. Chapter 9

_**Note: **Sorry for the delay in updating this. It's entirely the fault of Johnny (Madrid) **Lancer** (and James Stacy who brought him to life)_

Becoming Clearer

Two days later, Frank entered Horatio's office and dropped a file on his desk.

"There you go, final and definitive version."

"Thin isn't it?" he commented as he flicked through it. "Are you sure about this?"

"'S what took so long, they did some other searches to make sure."

"What on earth is David Wolfe playing at?" H wondered

"Sure it's him and not Ryan?"

"Definitely not Ryan. Ryan's many things, but a liar is not one of them. I think we need to go see him"

"Ryan? Know where he is?"

"I know where his father is."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Ryan, have you packed everything?" David Wolfe tried to hurry his son, "We're going to miss the flight" Ryan shuffled from the room that had been his refuge/prison for the last few days. The nights of disturbed sleep had taken their toll, he was unshaven and dark shadows had developed beneath the eyes, that once had changed colour according to his feelings, were now dull and lifeless. He clutched the folder to his chest as though it were the only thing in life that mattered - which it was.

"Didn't have anything" he muttered

"Sean, cars all ready?"

"Certainly are, sir."

"Fine' let's go then" There was a knock at the door,

Sean opened the door to find Horatio and Frank outside.

"Just in Time" quipped Horatio, "Ryan…" he had been about to say 'how are you', but the words froze in his mouth when he saw how he had deteriorated in the space of a few days…"You really don't need to do this"

"I explained" Ryan said

"And we don't have time for this" interrupted David, "we have a plane to catch"

"You aren't staying until the trial?"

"There's no need, the Miami team have been briefed, and we are on the other end of the phone. I also need to return to ensure Ryan gets settled"

"Ryan, you can stay in Miami, there is absolutely no reason for you to leave. You didn't put your resignation in writing, so as far as anyone knows you've been on a few days holiday"

"Can't H, the charges…"

"Never existed."

"No, I've seen the sheets…"

"There was no arrest, no charges were brought. Frank has checked with Boston. Listen carefully Ryan, **you do not have to leave**"

Ryan shook his head, Horatio wasn't sure if it was to try to clear his thoughts or because he didn't believe what was being said to him.

"But you showed me!" he looked at his father, Horatio could see the horror as the realisation hit home, "Do you really hate me that much?"

"We don't hate you Ryan, we wanted you back home! Anyone can be a CSI, but very, very few have the talent you've been given. We had tried every other way of persuading you"

"You defended the man who killed my friends. You're doing it again!" Ryan was shouting and crying at the same time, as he realised the degree of the betrayal committed by his father, and his brother. They had been prepared to sacrifice his sanity in order to get their own way.

"Just get me out of here!" Ryan pushed past his father and Horatio to the door.

"I think we're done here, Frank" They turned and followed Ryan down the corridor, catching up to him as he waited for the elevator. "Can we give you a lift anywhere?"

Ryan was struggling to come to terms with the new knowledge, "Nowhere to go" he shrugged, he was lost, defeated.

"The rent is paid on your apartment till the end of the month - though I don't think it a good idea for you to be on your own right now" Horatio's soothing tones cut through the confusion in his head. "Why don't I contact Ron?"

Ryan nodded, "I still have an apartment? Thought my father would've had it cleared by now. Anyway, no job, can't afford to stay there"

"Well, as you never actually put your resignation in writing, let's just say you were on a week's holiday. I'll approve it retrospectively"

Ryan looked at Horatio, the gratitude in his eyes saying more than words could ever convey. "Calleigh, I can't face Calleigh, the letter!"

"Ryan, let's just get you over to your uncle's, you try to get a good night's sleep and then we'll talk about your options"

As Frank drove to Ron's condo, Horatio explained the situation to him. No-one had thought to let him know what had been going on and Ron had been almost frantic with worry over Ryan's disappearance, he was more than happy for him to stay.

"OK, that's one down, now, back to the lab - that is, if you don't mind Frank"

"H, what you gonna do about David Wolfe?"

"That isn't up to me, is it?"

"Guess not. Makes you wonder how Ryan's gonna deal with it though"

"Well, it may take him some time, but I have every confidence he **will** find a way through it. We'll all help him, sure of that too. Don't know what he said to Calleigh in the letter, that could be a bit of a problem, I'll talk to her when I get back"


	10. Chapter 10

10

Next Steps

"Hey, either of you know where H was going in such a hurry couple hours ago?" Cooper launched himself backwards into one if the easy chairs in the break room.

"Didn't know he had" replied Calleigh, "I was with Alex. Are you starting more rumours?"

"What you mean 'rumours'?" Cooper feigned hurt feelings, "There's always - well, mostly- a grain of truth"

"A mustard grain" grinned Alexx

"Wouldn't put it as large as that, Alexx.." replied Calleigh

"OK, OK, but it's true that Frank went into H's office, had a file with him. H read it and they went off together. That was almost two hours ago. Ask Hannah on reception if you don't believe me."

"You and Hannah close are you?" teased Calleigh

"You know you're the only one for me, Calleigh. Hey, look, he's back"

All three watched as Horatio came towards the break room and opened the door, "Calleigh, my office, please"

The three looked at each other, as Calleigh put her coffee down and followed Horatio.

He shut the door behind her as she entered his office.

"OK, Calleigh, now I know the contents of part of Wolfe's letter, I've no idea what he said to you. However, I thought it only fair to warn you - Ryan will be returning to work in a day or two."

"But the charges…"she began.

"Were false. Fabricated by David and, I suspect Sean, to put pressure on Ryan so he'd go along with their plans. Frank contacted Boston and there were no drugs, no arrest. They were counting on the fact that Ryan's memories are a bit hazy around that time," Calleigh gasped as she realised the implications, "How is he? Where is he now?" she asked.

"He isn't too good, we left him with his uncle"

"What if I…"

"I don't think he'd want you to see him as he is right now, Calleigh. His OCD is clearly causing problems, he's stressed and hasn't been eating or sleeping…need I go on?" She shook her head, "Just let Ron help him through this, soon as he's ready, I'm sure Ryan will contact us." He paused, " One thing concerns me, Calleigh. He said he couldn't face you - was it something he said in the 'private' part of the letter?"

"He said - he said he had er, feelings for me, but he only told me because he thought he was never going to see me again"

"And would this cause you problems - working with him again? Would it be better if he were transferred to the night shift?"

"Wouldn't that be a bit harsh? He's going to have difficulties settling back anyway. Having to learn how to get along with different people could be more than he can cope with at this moment in time. Think about it Horatio, he's been betrayed by his own family. I think he could do with some friends and support."

"I was rather hoping - or rather more expecting- you'd say that. He really does need friends Calleigh"

"Well, that settles it. You want to talk to Alexx, or should I?" Horatio just smiled, "OK, guess it's down to me" As she left Horatio's office, she smiled. She'd missed that goofy grin more than she ever thought she could, she'd missed him being around, she wanted him back in her life. She noticed Alexx heading back to the morgue, "Hey Alexx, you heard the latest gossip?" she visualised Cooper's wars flapping to catch this one.

"What?"

"Ryan's coming back" she was bubbling - did she give too much away, Alexx was notorious for picking things up.

"Tell me more" Alexx linked arms and dragged Calleigh towards the elevator

"I'll give you the low-down when we get somewhere quieter"

When they got to Alexx's office, she sat Calleigh down and ordered, "Spill", and Calleigh related the full story to the point she left Horatio's office. Alexx was also horrified at the actions of Ryan's family, but then said "So, I was right about Ryan, how he felt about you"

"You knew and you didn't say anything!"

"I **suspected**, there's a deal of difference. Anyway, for a trained observer you're remarkably unobservant. Point is sweetie, how do you feel about him?"

"I don't know Alexx, not really. I've missed him, I suppose I've felt a bit guilty how I treated him when he first transferred here, and, yes, there have been times when I've felt attracted to him."

"But" Alexx prompted

"But office relationships and all that, and he **is** younger than me"

"Listen to old granny grey. If it was the other way round, would you have any concerns?"

"Of course not"

"So why should it make any difference now? You have a couple of days, why not go to see him?"

"Horatio doesn't think it's a good idea."

"Call his uncle, just say you'd like to see Ryan alone before he comes back to work, that you need to clear the air between you, to make things easier for him. Let Ryan make the decision."

"I suppose. But I don't know…"

"Ever hear of a directory? Stop making difficulties where there aren't any. Just do it. You owe it to both of you."

Calleigh smiled, "You're right"


	11. Chapter 11

New Beginnings

The next morning, Horatio decided to call at Ron's to check on Ryan. He'd called first, and was greeted warmly as Ron opened the door.

"My nephew completed imposing his order on my carefully nurtured chaos around 4 this morning" he began, "then kicked me out of my own bed and has been there since" he grinned.

"He's sleeping?"

"Without any help from meds. Has an aversion to them, since his time in the hospital. Coffee?" Horatio nodded. "You know, of course, that David had planned to have Ryan committed to an asylum"

"No, I didn't - but why?"

"Those whom David cannot control, he declares mad. No, seriously, he wont accept that Ryan can never be the son he was. As far as my brother is concerned, it's a matter of will power. He forgets Ryan was in a coma for almost a month following the accident. There was some brain damage, but he was incredibly fortunate, it affected only the area concerning personality and it could have been so much worse! I wish you could have known him before it all happened, he was so confident, the kind that comes from being fully aware of your abilities, but he was never arrogant. But it's the laughter I miss more than anything.."

"Laughter?"

"The boy was always laughing about something - often the last practical joke he'd played on Sean - Sean was the only person I ever met who was immune to Ryan's personality though considering how often he was at the receiving end of Ryan's jokes, it's hardly surprising. And, of course he lost out with Lauren."

Horatio thought, wondering if he had ever heard Wolfe laugh, "His father said something about a gift? "

"Ryan and Sean, very gifted musicians - equal on technical ability but Ryan had that extra 'edge' he really loved the music and it showed. There's no doubt he could have made it professionally, but of course, that wouldn't do for my brother"

"He 's always in control, is he?"

"Control Freak, doesn't begin to describe him!" Ron paused, with the sudden realisation that Horatio probably wouldn't be aware, "You realise Ryan is his father's son" H looked puzzled, "Ryan may not be as obvious, but he also needs to be in control, by nature and nurture, that's the way life is for us. Unlike his father or his brothers and sister, Ryan chooses his battles - Lauren's influence has modified it considerably, but it's still there. He can't help it"

You mean his OCD?"

"No, that is incidental. Have you ever stopped to consider just how much it takes him just to get through each day? I doubt it, but consider this - he went from a life of wealth and privilege, being the youngest son in a family of seven, and a wide social circle to being isolated, unable to trust anyone easily, and money a constant problem. He may have walked out on his family - so some may say that was self inflicted - but did he really have an option?. He lost who he was but he remembers. In a way I suppose you could say he died that day too, the Ryan we had known and loved for 18 years was replaced by a someone who happened to look exactly like him, but who was a stranger to us - and himself!"

Horatio suddenly realised why the young CSI had been so protective of his privacy. He finished his coffee, "I'm really glad I came this morning."

"Me too Lieutenant, perhaps you can understand a little better now. I hope you'll feel free to come again, there is still much you would find useful in understanding Ryan"

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Calleigh put the phone down and turned to Alexx, "He's agreed to see me, I'm going now"

"Any idea what you're going to say to him?" asked Alexx

Calleigh sighed, "I don't know, Alexx, I've missed him so much, but I've never thought of him in that way - well not seriously anyway. I mean, we flirted but I thought that's all it was - harmless flirting."

"Well, sweetie, I suggest you give it a lot of thought. Remember, he's very vulnerable just now."

"If anyone is looking for me - just say I've had to go see a sick friend"

She tried to think on her way to see him, but her mind turned blank. Before she knew it, she was standing at the door of 'Uncle Ron's' condo.

"Miss Duquesne, come in Ryan wont be long."

"I'm sorry, I'm early."

"Don't worry, my dear. Can I get you anything?"

"A glass of water, please. How is Ryan?"

"Better than he was, but we still have some way to go. Well, I have a few things to do and I didn't want to leave him on his own. If you don't mind, I'll leave now, I'll try not to be too long - if you wouldn't mind keeping him company?" Calleigh thought he saw a glint in the old man's eye, but couldn't be sure, as he left.

She went over to the picture window, giving her a view out to the ocean and remembered Ryan telling her of watching the tsunami that had hit soon after he began working at the lab.

"Hi Cal, thanks for coming" She turned and was shocked by his appearance - if this was Ryan 'better' then she hated to think how he must have looked when H and Frank had seen him at his father's hotel room, "Sorry, suppose I should have got someone to warn you I don't look so good"

"H mentioned you'd had a rough time"

"Mmm, I've known better. Look, Cal, the letter…I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. Last thing I want to do is lose you as a friend. Can you pretend you never read it?"

"Is that what you want?"

"Don't know Cal, depends on how you feel about it."

"That's the problem, Ryan, I don't know either. Last thing you need is to be hurt any more than you have been - and my track record isn't good."

"Way I see it you've been more hurt than doing the hurting." He said softly.

"And you've been there for me."

"Yes, now you know why. It's OK, Cal, I understand you wouldn't be interested in a freak geek - not as a …"

She gently placed her finger on his lips - "Ryan Wolfe you are **not** a freak"

"But I am a geek"

"Takes one to know one." She pouted. "We were so worried about you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Even Eric?"

"Believe it or not, yes, even Eric."

"Cooper…?"

"Started the rumour mill - don't push it Ryan!"

"You didn't tell Eric what I said about him"

"Not yet, but keep pushing and I'll be sorely tempted!" she teased.

He tried to smile - and nearly succeeded but the strain of the last few weeks proved too much - tears weren't far away and she could tell he was struggling to keep control. Instinctively she put her arms around him as his head dropped onto her shoulder.


	12. Chapter 12

A Friend in Need

Ryan spent the weekend adjusting to life again. Calleigh arrived early Saturday morning, having offered to help him move back to his apartment as Ryan had expressed a reluctance to return alone for the first time. He was, of course, a friend who very much needed help and support, but she also had to admit to an almost 'insatiable curiosity' about his home. which she knew was in one of the less desirable parts of Miami. She kept glancing at him as she drove, his eyes were closed as he used deep breathing techniques to calm his nerves

"Go to your happy place" he told himself and he grinned as he returned to **that** night when he had **held** and **been held** by **her**. He wondered if it would ever happen again - they were spending so much time together, had talked for hours, but had kept their distance physically. Their friendship was growing deeper as each learned more about the other. Ryan knew that if things didn't work between them, it was unlikely he could give himself fully to anyone else - Cal was his soul mate but **she **was still unsure. No matter, he'd wait.

Calleigh saw the little grin and wondered what on earth he was thinking about "Maybe it's just as well I don't know" she told herself.

"So, Ryan, which way now - take a left, right, straight on or just take off" she asked

"Take off **could** be interesting - we'd avoid the traffic, I guess. But, straight at the next intersection, then left, left and right. Can I go back now?"

"Back where?"

"Oh, just to my Happy place" he smiled. He wished he wore a hat so he could pull it over his eyes - he sighed, something to think about.

"Which one is yours? asked Calleigh as she pulled into the parking lot.

"Bars on the window" he replied

"Ryan!"

"Seriously. Previous occupant was a drug dealer. Landlord had trouble re-letting 'cause the clients kept calling and refusing to take no for an answer. So I got it cheap - flashing the badge a few times had the desired effect"

"Why not remove the bars?"

"Hey, they're extra security! What do you think I am, paranoid?" he grinned. Cal had to admit, it was good to see him smile again. He had such an infectious smile, she couldn't help but respond to it.

He dropped his keys as he tried to open the door, and Calleigh could make ou t a slight tremor as he picked them up and put the key in the lock. "Not sure what sort of state it will be in he began, "Sean and my father were still here when I left"

The room was as she would have expected, neat, tidy and devoid of any photographs or ornaments, everything was functional. "Makes 'minimalist' over decorated" she thought.

"What a mess" he moaned, "It's going to take hours to sort out!"

"Mess?" It suddenly hit her how difficult it would be to live with someone like Ryan, there were times when housework had to take second place to more interesting things. Not that her home was anything less than perfect - she had no doubt Ryan would consider it 'untidy' by his standards.

"Think there should still be some coffee around here" he busied himself in the kitchen

"I brought some cookies"

"Cal, has anyone said anything - about me coming back, I mean?"

"You're worried about it, huh?"

"Of course, wouldn't you be? I know I can depend on you, H Alexx and Eric"

"Don't forget Frank"

Ryan walked out of the kitchen and flopped onto a chair, putting his head in his hands, "I don't know if I can do this Cal"

"Work or…"

"Moving back in here. I used to feel safe here, now it's as though the walls are closing in. Can't breathe. Sorry to ask you this, but could you take me back to my uncle's? Looks like I'll be sleeping on the sofa for a few days more"

"No need to do that" she said "I've a spare room" Her tongue had run away from her brain…what was she thinking of? Ryan's tidiness would drive her insane! The look of gratitude on Ryan's face changed her mind. It would only be for a few days, week at most, she thought.

"Thanks, Cal. I'll just pack a few things. I promise I'll be good - wont reorganise anything…or anything. At least, I promise I'll **try**"

"You rearrange **anything**, Ryan Wolfe and I'll rearrange **you**!"

"If you're going to do that, could I put in a few requests"

"Requests?" she queried

"Yeh, like eyes in the back of my head, an extra pair of hands - things like that"

"Very funny! Listen, H suggested we run by the lab. Give you a chance at a 'dry run'. He said to call on the way, make sure everything's quiet for you"

"Sounds like him"

"You'll do it?"

"If he thinks it's a good idea, I'll go along with it."

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Horatio stood up as Ryan entered his office. "How are you feeling now?"

"Better than I was" he grinned but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Your badge, Mr Wolfe - and your gun. I suggest you go put it in your locker. Come on, acclimatise yourself."

Ryan had the impression that Horatio was smugly keeping a secret, so if he was to find out what was going on, he'd have to play along. It was all strangely quiet, too quiet. They walked through the building, it was all so familiar, comforting almost. Then they reached the locker, his locker - the one that had never really been fixed all the time he'd been working there. It hadn't been repaired, they'd installed a new one.

"Welcome to the lab, Mr Wolfe"

Ryan understood. He wasn't a replacement any longer. He was Ryan Wolfe CSI - in his own right, and on his own merit.


	13. Chapter 13

A friend indeed

Ryan stretched and thought about getting up. _'I'm **living** with Calleigh!' _he thought and smiled to himself. _'OK, so not quite living with her'_. The few inches of wall separating the two rooms might as well have been the Great Wall of China - lengthways, but it was the closest they'd ever been. He groaned softly to himself, he loved her, had always loved her and he couldn't imagine it ever changing. He might learn to live without her, but he didn't want to.

"Hey, Ryan, I've finished with the shower. You'd better move it if you want a lift in to work"

"Fine, be right there" Later today, he needed to go to some realtors and get some details of apartments. He made his bed before going for his shower. He'd promised Cal he wouldn't rearrange anything - but he didn't think that would include the bedroom - at least he hoped not.

Coffee was ready when he'd showered and dressed, "Thanks, I need that" he murmured

"Yeh, well, you'll have to drink it in the car, we're going to be late" she said as she headed towards the front door.

"Sorry, Cal, I'll get up earlier tomorrow - like before you, I'll get first shower"

"And what is that supposed to mean?" she challenged

"you do take a long show, I mean it must take a long time to dry all that hair, I mean….." His voice trailed off, "I don't think I'd better finish that"

"Not if you want to carry on breathing"

"I kinda like breathing, gives my lungs something to do. If I didn't keep breathing, they'd get upset, think I don't want them anymore" he took a mouthful of coffee, getting in the passenger seat and very carefully closing the door.

"Ryan"

"Yes, Calleigh?"

"You're rambling"

"You're right, I am rambling. Do it a lot, but don't usually have anyone around to hear it"

"You talk to yourself? Maybe you need help"

"When you live by yourself, there isn't much option. Besides, talking to yourself is OK"

"Really? Who told you that"

"A friend I had at college. She was taking psychology. They get concerned if you talk to someone who isn't there. You **are** there, aren't you. Cal?"

"Unless I'm a figment of my imagination. In which case, who's driving the car?"

"Thing is, if the person who isn't there answers back, then you've got a problem. So, if you aren't here/there, then I think I ought to go see someone"

"Carry on talking like that, and you will. I'll be taking you to the ER. "

"Think I'd rather go to work"

The rest of the journey was completed in silence, as Ryan went to his 'happy' place and resorted to his deep breathing again. The quirky smile was on his lips again. _'Someday I'm going to ask him just what is so amusing'_ she thought. It was beginning to bug her.

"Ryan, we're here"

"OK"

"Are you - OK, I mean"

"Will be, Cal, soon as I get the next couple of hours out of the way."

"Fine, let's see what the day has in store for us"

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The day went better than he ever dreamt. Eric had said it was good to have him back, Alexx caught him in a bear hug and nearly cracked his ribs and he'd managed to catch H and Frank together and thanked them for all they'd done, and he apologised for the fact that mere words were completely inadequate to tell them just how grateful he was.

He'd managed to pick up some brochures during his lunch break and Calleigh had suggested they go through them over dinner. She didn't consider any of them suitable and told him so.

"Oh well, I'll go get some more tomorrow."

"Look, why don't I go, that way I can sift out the unsuitable ones" Calleigh suggested.

"You sure? That would be great, those guys always intimidate me" admitted Ryan

"No problem, Ryan it's what friends are for."


	14. Chapter 14

Return

Ryan thought about the last six weeks. He was still at Calleigh's, she had been unable to find any suitable apartments in his price range and after three weeks he'd given up asking. For the first time since the accident, Ryan felt content. He couldn't say happy, because Calleigh still seemed unable to make her mind up, he was getting mixed signals all the time, but he was still content to wait. He had tried once, he crept up on her and slipped his arms round her waist, in return he'd got the kind of look she'd given him when he'd said that 'Cosmo' was a pure chick drink. He hadn't tried since, though once or twice, he thought she'd hinted…no, he'd wait until she made the first move.

Work was going well. News of his background had filtered through the lab, and people had stopped giving him strange looks. Even Cooper had tired of making comments and as a result of not having to guard every word he said, he could at last relax and give his work 100 of his attention. He had produced some outstanding results, gaining recognition from Horatio.

It was a normal morning when they arrived for work, maybe it was Ryan's fault for relaxing too much, of forgetting that his father had a habit of reappearing as he was beginning to put his life back together. Whatever the reason, he was totally unprepared for Horatio's statement..

"Ryan, a word please" H said as they passed his office.

"Sure, anything wrong?"

You could say that" he said as he closed the door. "We have a date for Forbes' trial"

Ryan paled visibly, "When?"

"The 18th, and before you ask, yes, your father is coming to Miami as advisor"

"Ri…right. Well er…" he coughed slightly, "thanks for letting me know, H"

"We can arrange for you to stay in the lab for the duration, if that's what you want"

"No, if he wants to contact me again, he will - even if I leave the country. Should've known"

"Known what, Ryan?"

"Just that things were going too well" he turned to leave, "At least he can't pull the drugs charge thing again. Of course.." He opened the door of H's office, "doesn't mean he hasn't thought up something else"

"Difference this time, you're prepared for it…and if he does try anything, you come to me immediately - no trying to deal with it alone"

"Thanks"

Calleigh caught up with him in the corridor, "What did H want?" she asked

"To tell me they have a date for the Forbes' trial"

"When"

"18th"

"And your father…"

"Is coming back to Miami" Ryan was shaken, Calleigh could tell the confidence of the last few weeks had deserted him, she took his hand in hers and turned him to face her. She gently touched his face , "It's going to be fine, Ryan. Don't let him try to destroy you again."

"You just don't understand Cal, you don't know what he's like. Look, I've got to get down to some work. I'll see you tonight"

"Damn" she thought, "Can't do anything tonight. She just had to hope that Ryan would at least feel able to talk to her.

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The drive home was in silence Ryan was clearly still shaken, if things were this bad now, she dreaded to think of the state he'd be in by the time of the trial. He wasn't any better when it came to dinner, he pushed the food around on his plate, "Sorry, Cal, just don't have much of an appetite tonight" he muttered.

She walked round the table, and put her arms around him, "You can get through this"

"Don't want to have to face him again"

"You have your friends to help you this time. You don't have to do it alone"

"H said something similar - but, Cal, none of you knows…I don't want any of you to find out, just what he can be like. When I was a young, you know, he was great. Maybe I was being the kind of son he wanted as I was growing up. Then things changed…I changed…Cal, I'm just so tired of fighting him."

"Come on" she led him away from the table and to the sofa, he could hear her breathing and her heart beating, closing his eyes, the stres of the day began to fade.


	15. Chapter 15

The Nightmare Returns

"Is that the file on that woman he's living with?" David Wolfe demanded of his son.

"Yes" Sean replied

David flicked through it, with practiced ease "Hardly the sort we would want in the family. Your mother certainly wouldn't approve. Anything on her?"

"No, squeaky clean, her brothers are the same. Her parents aren't though. Her mother died of a drinking related illness and the first case Ryan worked on was her father's DUI. She **is** rather attractive, intelligent too"

"But her **family**. No, she just wont do."

"I don't think Ryan sees it that way" Sean said simply

"Ryan doesn't know what's good for him. But he **will** learn"

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Ryan had been allowed to concentrate on lab work since the news of the trial date had come through. It was structured and he had strict protocols to follow, he was concerned that his mental state could distract him in the field and he might miss a vital piece of evidence. H also considered that it was the best way of keeping Ryan and his father apart - at least during working hours, and Calleigh could take care of the rest. Of course, it was always possible that David wouldn't try to contact his youngest son, but Horatio doubted it.

He knew David and Sean Wolfe had flown in yesterday and he wondered if Ryan was aware of the fact. H e would speak to Calleigh when she got back, Ryan's life was going to get even more complicated.

Ryan's brow was furrowed as he struggled with a difficult procedure, he could block everything else out - except for Calleigh. The prospect of his father coming back to Miami mad him wonder whether he should stay with her, or leave, for her sake. He knew she could be the one targeted if his father chose to play rough. The fear was with him all the time, but he would push it away once more and concentrate on the procedure. His cell rang, he looked at the screen, he didn't recognise the number and disconnected the call.

What should he do? He knew he couldn't face it alone, but did he really have the right to ask Calleigh to go through it with him. It had taken him a while to figure out why his father should suddenly be so set on getting him back into the family. No, not in the family - Ryan was now too damaged in his father's eyes to be readmitted into the 'inner circle', that was why they'd researched for a suitable place for him to …**no, **he **wouldn't** think about that!

_"Concentrate, Ryan, **concentrate**" _he told himself.

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"He disconnect the call" explained Sean

"Well, we didn't expect him to come quietly this time, did we? I want you to try to see him - try this woman's apartment tonight. She probably wont let you see him, but that doesn't matter. Just get as much information on the layout as you can. I have some contacts who will be able to help us separate Ryan from his 'bodyguards'. Oh, and it wouldn't hurt to keep trying his cellphone, he may answer just to find out who's calling him. Has far too much curiosity, that boy, we can use that as well"

"Keep up the pressure" grinned Sean

"Exactly."

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"Hey, Ryan, ready to go?" Calleigh poked her head round the door.

"Almost. Just give me 10 minutes or so, just want to finish this. I think my father may be in Miami"

"Oh, why?"

"Getting calls from a number I don't recognise"

"What, you know every number in your directory?" Ryan just looked at her, "OK, numbers are easy, they are predictable." She hesitated before saying, "Horatio said they came in yesterday"

"So, it begins" he said quietly. "Cal, maybe I should just move out"

"No you don't, not because of them"

"I…I can't protect you - heck, I can't even protect myself! I'm afraid for you"

"Ryan, remember what Horatio told you. You aren't alone this time."

"And do you really think I'd let people I care about put themselves into this situation?"

"Do you really think we would let someone we care about go through this on his own? We wont! We're a team, we look out for each other!"

"Do **you**, Cal?"

"Do I what?"

"Care about me?"

"Of course I do!"

"Just as a friend, a team member?"

"Yes…and no."

"Wish I'd known last week. Right answer, wrong time" he said sadly and turned back to his work. "Meet you at the car"


	16. Chapter 16

Resolve

She came to him that night. Her footsteps almost silent, padding gently through his mind. He could smell her perfume, feel her hands gently touching his face. Her red curls falling as he remembered, her brown eyes full of concern. "Why are you doing this?" she asked.

"Why am I doing what? Why, how are you here?"

"I'm here because you need someone to talk some sense into you Ryan. You're letting him win"

"I'm not **letting **him, I can't fight him"

"As I said, you're letting him win. If you think he's invincible and don't fight, you let him win by default"

"Since when did you get to wise?"

"Since I had nothing else to do but lie in a hospital bed trapped in my own world."

"I waited for you"

"I know you did - too long. I tried to tell you, but you didn't hear me. I'm not coming back, Ryan, time to accept that. It's also time for you to stand up to David."

"I already have. I left"

"You ran away, there's a difference. Take a leaf out of his book. What is his greatest strength? Use that against him! You must stand up to him once and for all. Tell him what you want, don't sneak off in the dead of night again, don't hide from him or you'll be running for the rest of your life."

Then the scene changed and he could hear the screeching of metal on metal, the screams of his friends as the limo somersaulted and he woke up screaming. His hair was plastered to his head and the sweat had made his bed damp.

The clock told him it was 6.00am, he made his decision, unwound himself from his sheets and padded across to the bathroom.

Calleigh came out of her room half an hour later. Even with her hair a mess and groggy from sleep, she was still beautiful , he thought.

"What are you doing up so early?" she asked with a yawn

"Tell you when you've showered"

Later, she took the coffee Ryan offered, "Well" she said

"You almost said something last night. I want you to finish it"

"About….?"

"About caring for me."

"Of course I do"

"As a friend or more than "

"More than"

"OK, that will do for now. So, tell me Miss Duquesne, if I kiss you, will I get my face slapped?" she looked at him, mystified. Well, wouldn't have to try to explain a black eye to Alexx, she might have some difficulty in deciding which of us to back up" and with that, he gently kissed her, "Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" He left the table and put his cup in the sink, "Would you speak to your dad for me, I need some advice and I need someone I can trust absolutely"

Calleigh was still at the table, speechless, her hand on her mouth, "Come on, Cal, keep up" he grinned.

She wondered if Ryan had been abducted overnight and some doppelganger was in his place. This **wasn't **the same man who slinked off to his room last night after Sean had called. Calleigh had answered the door and told Sean Ryan didn't want to see him or their father. Sean had retorted it was just like his brother to hide behind a woman and let her do the dirty work.

"So, will you?"

"Will I what - slap your face?"

"Think I got out of range in time" again, he smiled at her - what was going on here, and when was he going to tell her? "Your dad, will you speak to him for me - I just want some advice, don't want him to get involved in all this"

"Advice about what?"

"Restraining order. Come on, we'll be late" as he edged to the door.

"Ryan, what is going on?" she asked as she was driving

"Made a few decisions early this morning, after talking to Lauren"

"I thought…"

"It was a dream, Cal, but all so real, you know? What she said made so much sense when I woke this morning, or maybe it was my subconscious, really couldn't say. Thing is I'm tired of acting like a victim. I'm not a victim, Cal, I'm a survivor. I survived the accident, came through a month long coma, went on to college and all without the backing of my family. With the help of Horatio and Frank, I came through David's attempt to destroy me. So, anything else you want to know?"

"The Restraining Order?"

"David and Sean, just wondered if I had any grounds. Got to see them first though. But I don't want your dad to put his name on anything, just want advice, and quietly"

"You sure about that?"

"Not going in alone, don't worry. Was thinking of asking H if he'd come with me. He did sort of offer. Oh, by the way I meant what I said in my letter to you. What happened to that?"

"I still have it" his ability to change topic without pausing for breath never ceased to amaze her.

"Really?"

Now it was her turn to smile, "Oh yes, Mr Wolfe, most definitely" She pulled into her parking space, "Now, tell me, if I kiss you, will I get my face slapped?. Wouldn't want to have to try to explain a black eye to Alexx, she might have some difficulty in deciding which of us to back up" and she returned the kiss he'd given her at home. "You take care, you hear me! I love you, Ryan Wolfe" and with that, she got out of the car and went towards the lab. It was Ryan's turn to be left with his mouth open.

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Ryan outlined his plan to Horatio who expressed his doubts as to the wisdom of that particular course of action, but agreed to back him anyway.

"He wont be expecting it, Horatio. I'm hoping to get him off balance. I just want to try to get him to leave me alone. I don't want to spend the next couple of weeks - or however long he's going to be here - looking over my shoulder afraid he's going to jump out at me again, nor do I want to spend the rest of my life wondering what he's going to try next."

"I understand that, but you do need to be very, very careful"

"I also need to be sure I don't say anything to compromise the case. I know I can depend on you to stop me doing that"

"You've obviously given this a lot of thought" H was impressed with the new maturity of the youngest member of the team.

"Not really, H, it sort of came to me in a dream" Ryan was scrupulously honest, as always. "He staying at the same hotel?"

"So my source has informed me"

"I'll give my brother a call. On second thoughts, no I wont, I'll let it come as a surprise. H, I want you to look after this for me" he handed a thick envelope to Horatio, "if things do go wrong, I want people to know what he's really like."

"I have meetings all morning, but this afternoon. Are you **really** sure about this?"

"No, H, but it has to be done"


	17. Chapter 17

Confrontation

"Yes, thanks for your time, sir." Ryan paused while he listened to Calleigh's father, "With all due respect, if you want her to get that message, it's best if you deliver it in person. I'm not tired of living! " he paused again smiling, "Maybe - if I had a ten minutes' head start and jet propelled vehicle standing by! Goodbye and, once again, thanks for the advice"

"My dad?" Calleigh asked, standing in the doorway.

"Mmmm. I love your dad, great sense of humour - least I **think** it was humour. Anyway, said he wouldn't charge me for his time…if….."

"Go on, 'If' ??? And why should it be life threatening?"

"Ah, you heard that bit"

"I did, Ryan. Now you tell me!"

"It's really a father/daughter thing. Must go, got to meet Horatio" Putting his hands under her elbows, he lifted her up and moved her out of his way, making his escape through the door. She could only look at his back as he walked down the corridor. He was leaving her speechless **too often!**

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"Ryan, you ready for this?" It still threw him a bit when H referred to him as 'Ryan'. Didn't happen too often, for which he was grateful.

"As I'll ever be, I suppose. I had a chance to speak with Calleigh's father, and that's helped me firm up the general plan, but specifics are a bit hazy. Look, H, thanks for this."

"I told you that you didn't have to face it alone. I meant it."

"Well, I certainly learned who I can depend on."

An hour later, they walked into the hotel where David and Sean were staying. Horatio asked the desk clerk the room number and 'advised' the clerk not to call the room and warn them. He noticed Ryan was taking deep breaths, presumable to calm his nerves and he wondered whether he should try - even at this late stage- to talk the young man out of this.

Ryan knocked on the door, Sean answered and was visibly surprised.

"You've been trying to contact me" Ryan strode in, appearing far more confident than he felt. "OK, so you have my undivided attention. Just what do you want to say to me?"

"I see you had to bring protection" David commented

"More like a witness to what is said." Ryan was doing his best to remain calm

"Hardly an unbiased one"

"I could say the same about Sean. Really doesn't matter. As I said - what is it you want to say to me? After that I will tell you why I'm here"

"You know what I want - I want you to come home…"

"I'm aware you want me **in a **home, not necessarily the family one."

"…and have the opportunities you've been denying yourself"

"They aren't the opportunities I **want**. You may not think much of my chosen career, but it is just that - **my choice**. "

"But your music"

"If I play again, it will be at a time and place of my choosing. I found that after the accident I could only play like Sean"

Horatio recalled Ron's words _"They were equal technically, but Ryan loved the music and it showed"_

"You aren't going to listen to anything I say, are you?"

"Are **you** listening to **me**? I can't be the son you **want **any more, he died the night of the accident. I can only be the man I am. If you can accept that - and accept me as I am, then we may be able to work through all our problems. But, if you want to control me, I'll just say goodbye now."

"You would rather stay here, with these people" David's voice was cutting

"I know I can depend on my friends absolutely, but I couldn't depend on you."

"What is it you want to say to me - other than you don't trust me"

"I don't want to come back with you when you return to Boston, I would prefer you didn't try to contact me. If you continue calling me, or otherwise harass me, I may have to consider applying for a restraining order"

David looked at his youngest son and then laughed, "Don't be ridiculous. On what grounds?"

"The last time you were here? Remember"

"Nothing in writing, my dear boy, inadmissible"

"Possibly, possibly not. It doesn't matter much - the fact that your own son has made the application would be enough to affect your standing - as you always say, 'reputation is everything"

"Is that what you've learned here from you so-called friends" David's voice was angry.

"Since when have you given someone else credit for your work?" David looked at his son, with a puzzled look, "You are largely responsible for who I am. You've formed me in your own image, now you complain about the results." Ryan's voice was ice cold, Horatio looked into the eyes of a stranger - all warmth and humour had gone, and he felt a chill go down his spine, _"He is his father's son"_ Ron had said. Was this the real Ryan Wolfe? "I can promise you this" Ryan continued as he went towards the door, "threaten me or anyone I care about again and I will inflict damage to your 'reputation'. I may not be able to bring you down, but I can at least do that."

Ryan and Horatio left and went to the elevator, but it was only once they were in h could see Ryan was shaking, "Do you think that went well?" asked Ryan

"You were quite **_surprising_**"

"Time will tell if it was effective, I suppose"

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The rest of the day passed too slowly. He wanted to see Calleigh, talk things over with her. He felt as though things were finally coming together and he'd be able to put the past into perspective. Best of all, Calleigh loved him - he couldn't believe it, he kept replaying that morning over and over in his mind. He could face anything now - even his father. Tonight when they got home, they could, perhaps start making plans, but then he wondered if that would be pushing too far too fast. He'd just play it by ear, let her take the lead.

"Hi Ryan, ready to go?" Calleigh popped her head round the door.

"Have been since we got here this morning" he grinned

"Where did you disappear to with H?"

"To see my father." He said quietly

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Maybe after the trial. Can we talk about something more pleasant - which would be just about anything else - say root canal work"

She playfully punched him as they left the building. He heard a 'crack' and felt another punch in his left shoulder and wondered how she could each that far - all the way to his back- then he realised it was burning hot. Instinctively, he wrapped himself around her and fell to the ground, turning slightly to cushion her fall. "Stay down, Cal" he whispered, as the realisation came to him that he'd been shot. It couldn't be happening, it just couldn't! "No, not now, please, **please** not now".

And the darkness absorbed him.


	18. Chapter 18

Conundrum

He lay there, reluctant to open his eyes until he had some idea where he was and how he'd got there - heck, at this moment in time, he'd settle for who he was. Maybe if he figured that out, he could work forward to the rest. He was mainly warm, except there was a cool draught blowing up his nose - if he moved his hand to try to stop it, whoever was holding his hand would know he was awake.

See, he was making progress already, he knew he was awake, so he must have been asleep - right? He also knew it couldn't be his mother holding his hand - she'd never done that when he was little, the nanny used to when he was ill or upset. Ha! Another fact, that made two. Now, if he could give himself a name!

He thought he could feel something else on his hand - soft, silky - could it be hair? Dammit! He was going to have to open his eyes to look, curiosity was definitely getting the better of him.

His eyes refused to focus to begin with, but when they began to work, he realised he was in a hospital - why was it he could remember some things but not others - such as who he was? He looked down to see a blonde head resting next to him on the bed.

"Cal" his voice sounded hoarse, strange, and why he should think of that name was beyond him. He reached out to touch her, getting a sharp stab in his left shoulder for his trouble, "Calleigh" his voice was stronger this time. Her head came off the bed.

"Ryan, you're awake!"

OK, so now he knew as least part of his name. "If I'm not, don't wake me, enjoying the dream too much." He smiled, "Are you OK.?" he was thinking she might have a stiff neck from sleeping in an awkward position, but she clearly thought he was referring to something else - maybe how he ended up here.

"Am now." She said

"No, I mean…"

"Thanks to my 'knight in shining armour', I'm fine. And you're going to be too. By the way, your parents are here, they want to see you, but after your visit to your father, H said to wait until you came round."

Who on earth was H? Parents? For some reason, he knew he didn't want them around. "Tell them I'm not going to die, so they can go away. The concerned parent act doesn't suit them." His eyes closed, he was feeling so tired, "Just keep them away, please, Cal." There was too much input too quickly. He was having trouble trying to keep up. _"Keep up, Cal"_

"How long have I been out?"

"Two days, they kept you sedated for 24 hours. Oh, Alexx, Hi"

He heard someone else coming into the room. Not another person! He couldn't place one, though he didn't dare say so, two would be twice as difficult, and he wondered what Ryan had done to have this beautiful - _"You're looking very beautiful today" _- creature be so concerned about him, that she slept by his bed.

"They thought you'd come round soon" he assumed this was Alex - and she was familiar. He just wished he could put things together more quickly, but his brain felt as though it was trying to wade through molasses., "and how are you feeling?"

"I've had better days." he replied.

"The doctors are pleased with your progress."

"Oh, good." The doctors didn't know about his 'problem' yet, well, he saw no reason to tell them. Might mean they'd keep him in when he really wanted to get out into the world and find out who this Ryan person was…and what connection did he have to Calleigh?

"Well, now I know you're going to be OK, I'm going to go home and get a shower."

"You could do with some sleep, too Calleigh" interrupted Alexx.

"Sharing a bed with Ryan hasn't been the most comfortable thing I've ever done" she grinned, "Anything you want from home, Ryan?"

What - he **lived** with this angel? "Can't think of anything just now, thanks" which was true.

"OK, I'll be back later" and she leaned over and kissed him.

She left him with Alexx, hoping she managed to keep her concerns covered up. She hoped his obvious slowness was because of the sedation.

"How is he Calleigh?" Horatio asked her as she left the Ryan's room.

"Conscious now, Horatio. Is **he** really necessary?" she indicated the uniform outside Ryan's door.

"You know it, as is the one who will be with you. Remember we still don't know which one of you, if either, was the target. You may simply have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, but until we know for sure…"

"OK, Horatio, have it your way. I think I should warn you, he doesn't seem to be thinking too clearly but he isn't letting on how bad things are. The only definite thing he said was he doesn't want to see his parents."

"Can't imagine David being too happy with that one. Still, if it's what Ryan wants. Did I see Alexx go in?"

"Yes"

"In that case, I think I'll come back later. No point in overloading him"

"So, what has ballistics come up with - anything"

"Unfortunately, no."

"Horatio, you don't think Ryan's father could have anything to do with this, do you?"

"It's possible, but to be honest, I don't think so. David is concerned with control - and you can't control a corpse."

"But if I were the target…"

"Then he would lose Ryan completely. Ryan would automatically assume David was involved, and would do everything he could to bring him down." he paused a moment, "How well do you think you know Ryan, Calleigh?"

"Well, better than most people"

"When we went to see his father the other day, I saw a side of him **I** never suspected existed, he was so cold, so unfeeling."

"Horatio, Ryan would never, **never** do anything to hurt me. I'm certain of that!"

"Hmm - you're that close!"

"Not yet, but we're working on it." she gave Horatio the mischievous smile, a mixture of teasing, conspiratorial knowledge and absolute, innocent joy.

"He's a very lucky young man"

"Possibly, but I'm not absolutely sure he remembers yet" there was a momentary sadness in her eyes, "but if he doesn't, I'll certainly make sure he does soon!"

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Alexx had been talking to Ryan for about five minutes when she suddenly said, "You don't really know who I am, do you"

He had to admit, he didn't - he felt he knew her, but the exact nature of their friendship escaped him, "And Calleigh?" she asked

"I knew her name, when I couldn't remember my own - still can't place me."

"But you were afraid to let her know"

Ryan nodded.

"She probably suspected. Very astute lady, Calleigh Duquesne."

"And what's my other name, she called me Ryan."

"Wolfe, Ryan Wolfe"

"Ryan Wolfe" he repeated as if to try it on for size. Well, at last he knew who he was, but what sort of person he was - well he couldn't ask that. He had to assume it would all come back to him in time.

"It's probably the effects of the sedation" she said soothingly, "Just give yourself time, Ryan. Things will be fine."

"Thanks, Alexx. You're a good friend - I can trust you" he said as his eyes closed in sleep.

"Yes, Ryan, and you have more friends, we'll all be watching your back, and we'll look out for Calleigh while you can't" and with that, she left him.


	19. Chapter 19

Memories Recovered

He sensed someone in his room No, not 'his' but Ryan Wolfe, he told himself. He opened his eyes and saw a nurse hovering by his bed.

"You're back with us" she said

_"Well, if you aren't here, then I'm talking to someone who isn't and I'm in trouble"_

"Should I tell the cop to let your parents in?"

_Cop, why is there a cop outside my door? Am I under arrest? Was I running away at the time and they shot me in the back? Cops don't usually shoot people in the back, not unless they're running away. What have I done, how bad was it? Parents? Oh no, he could imagine them - devastated that their son had turned bad…_

"No! I don't want to see them" _He couldn't face the hurt that would be in their eyes. _

_Calleigh and Alexx, where did they fit in? He couldn't imagine that someone like her would be interested in him? What sort of relationship did they have? She wasn't wearing a wedding band, so they weren't married. How long had they been together?_

"Hello Lieutenant" the nurse greeted the man coming in through the door.

_I'm not answering any questions without my lawyer - do I even have a lawyer? Must have, if I'm on the wrong side of the law. But am I from here?_

"How are you feeling Ryan? Alexx said you're having a few memory problems." The Lieutenant said.

"Yes, that's right" _Could he use this as a defence? _

"You did hit your head pretty hard when you went down, or it could be a reaction to the sedation. Doctors aren't sure. Hopefully it should come back in time"

_He was a bit confused, would they treat a suspect this way - it was almost as though they were friends, but then again, maybe it was just part of this guy's interrogation technique. _

"I thought I'd fill you in on a bit of background, maybe it will help you to remember. Just say when you've had enough" he had a photo album with him "We put this together, some of the people you know…and how you know them"

"Right" _Yeh, like mug shots!_

So then the guy, who introduce himself as Horatio Caine, said that Ryan worked with him as a CSI. If anyone had asked, Ryan would have had to admit he sort of switched off at this point. _I'm not _a _criminal, I'm one of the good guys!_ Horatio must have sensed it, he stopped talking.

"When the nurse said there was a cop outside my door, I thought I must be under arrest." Ryan muttered with a sheepish grin on his face.

"No, it's for your protection. Calleigh has one too, don't know which one of you thesniper was after. But - do you have a guilty conscience to automatically assume you're under arrest? Anything you care to tell me?"

"If I could remember, I'd probably **wouldn't** tell you! Calleigh **is** OK, isn't she? You will take care of her for me" Ryan flicked through the album, underneath each picture, there were the names and details of how closely Ryan worked with them. "I don't seem to have any friends outside of work"

"This was put together very quickly - but you're right. Even Calleigh couldn't give me any details about your friends - and she knows you better than anyone."

"Thanks for this, H. You know, some things are sort of 'there', others are sort of like when you wake up and try to remember a dream, and the harder you try the more it hides from you. I know everything is still there, it's hiding somewhere in the darkest recesses of my brain. I just wish…" he rubbed his temple hard with his right hand.

"Maybe you've up with the solution yourself, don't try too hard, just let it come back" Horatio hadn't missed the fact that Ryan had referred to him as 'H', obviously one of those things that was 'just there'. "Your Uncle Ron is here to see you."

"Is he…"

"One of the 'good guys', yes, he's been very supportive over the last few weeks. You feeling up to another visitor?"

Ryan nodded. "What about my paents, somehow I get the feeling I don't want to see them"

"You're estranged. Long story. Ron knows morea bout it than I do, best ask him if you think you're ready"

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He'd needed a rest after Ron left and he wondered how on earth he could get so tired doing nothing. Seemed he'd only just closed his eyes when another visitor arrived. He could pretend to be asleep, he had been a minute ago…but something told him to open his eyes.

"Cal!"

"Hey, Ryan - how's things?"

"Did Alexx tell you too?"

"That you can't remember - yes. But you'll figure it out, Ryan. You usually do - maybe wrongly, but you usually do." She grinned.

"Well, good to know you have confidence in my abilities!" he grinned back and motioned for her to sit beside him on the bed, "You care about me" a simple statement, but something he just 'knew'

"Yes, of course I do."

"More than a friend"

"Yes"

"So, tell me, Miss Duquesne, if I kiss you, will you slap my face?"

"You remember!"

"Hey, I could remember **your** name when I couldn't even remember my own! Bits are coming back. The most important bits. Like - I love you."

Calleigh smiled, then laughed. "If it weren't for the fact, I'd hurt you, I'd hug you"

"Believe me, it will be worth it"

They held each other, neither willing to break contact.

"I was right." Ryan said softly into her hair, "It **is** worth it. I love you, Cal, so much"

"So, Natalia meant nothing, then"

"Ooooh, Miss Duquesne, are your eyes a little green?"

"Course not, just curious"

"You've never asked before"

"Doesn't mean I haven't wondered."

"Nothing happened…I was…er….inhibited"

"What?"

"OK, I didn't want to be compared to Eric and…"

"and what?"

"…found wanting!"

"Ryan! Anyway, he might not be that good. And don't you **dare** ask"

"Wouldn't dream of it, I'm not that tired of living."


	20. Chapter 20

_Sorry this is so short - blame Nikki, I promised her I'd post it tonight. Will try to make the next one longer_.

**Inspiration: Bach's Double Violin Concerto**

Memories

Calleigh had been gone about ten minutes or so when he decided to turn the TV on, flicking through the album Horatio had left, he heard the strains of two violins - challenging each other, joining, following. He was about to change channels, but something stopped him, closing his eyes he saw **her**. It wasn't Calleigh, this girl had red unruly hair that fought to free itself from the band she was using to tie it back out of the way of her instrument and her eyes were challenging, joining, following, but most of all - laughing. Laughing with him. They'd laughed a lot, he remembered. Then he felt the tears as he also remembered they would never play together again. His wonderful, talented, adorable Lauren. He allowed the tears to flow as the other memories returned like a dam suddenly bursting. It was all too much, he felt as though he was being torn apart physically, and there was no-one around to help him, keep him grounded. He drew his knees up into his chest and put his arms around them, resting his chin on his hands. This was not the most comfortable of positions, given that the intravenous drip was still in place and he was pulling the stitches in his shoulder almost to breaking. It was then he looked up and saw himself being pushed in a wheelchair through the door.

"He went while you were on a break. Took longer than we thought" his father's voice, he knew that now. He just wished he could have his amnesia back. He simply wasn't up to facing them now, he was still trying to come to terms with everything coming back at once.

"Said I didn't want to see you" Ryan muttered

"I had to make sure it was you saying it, and not what they wanted you to say" his father replied.

"Yes well, now you know so you can go."

"You're being unreasonable, brother" Sean butted in

"**I'm** being unreasonable!" Ryan spat the words out, "That's rich coming from you. Oh wait, I forgot, you **are** rich! Just go, leave me alone, I don't want to talk to **anyone **just now"

Fortunately, Horatio came into Ryan's room at this moment, "Mr Wolfe and Mr Wolfe, I thought you'd been told that your presence was **not** required." He looked at Sean sitting in the hospital gown, "Are you unwell, too or is it a fashion statement?"

"I have a right to see my brother" Sean retorted.

"Not when **he** doesn't want to see **you**." Replied Horatio

"Will you all just get out and leave me alone!" shouted Ryan, panic rising in his voice, "Where's that stupid patrolman, he's supposed to be keeping people out, not selling tickets for the main event!" he twisted round to press the alarm button and pulled his stitches again.

The uniform ran into the room, rapidly followed by medical personnel. Had Ryan been in the mood for laughing, he would have been in hysterics at the antics as everyone piled in. As things stood, he put his head in his hands as the nurses and security evicted everyone, including H.

"Let me look at you shoulder" the doctor's voice was an island of calm in his chaos, "Good, no further damage. How is the memory?"

"Came back" Ryan's voice was a whisper.

"Too much to cope with"

"Bit, yes" He was trying hard to control himself

"We can offer you something to help you sleep" the doctor offered.

"No thanks" Ryan shook his head, "Makes my head too fuzzy. I have to deal with this" he paused a moment, "How soon can I go home?"

"Well, you've finished the course of antibiotics, so that drip can come out now. Keep you under observation a further 24 hours…how does tomorrow sound" the doctor asked

"Sounds good - mind you today would be better" Ryan tried to smile.

"You sure you don't want anything? I'll send a counsellor in."

"No thanks, doctor. I know you're trying to help, but I've someone else I'd rather talk things through with, and the only place I can do that is at home."

"Lt Caine would like to see you."

Ryan shook his head, "Got too much to process…but if Calleigh.."

"OK Ryan. I'll keep checking you though. Right, shall we get rid of this IV first?"

Ryan nodded, "That would be good." He sighed and eased back into the pillows. He replayed Bach's music in his head. He knew it ended with the two violins in harmony, and that was where he wanted to be - in harmony with himself, with his past, with Calleigh. Delete the rest, all he wanted to do was be with Cal. He would be all right then, everything else would slot into place.

The doctor finished his work and left the room closing the door quietly. Ryan closed his eyes and let the memories flow.


	21. Chapter 21

So it Begins

He sat on the edge of the bed waiting impatiently. The stitches had been removed; he'd had his check up, got dressed (with a lot of help) and held the long list of 'Can do/Can't do' in his hand. So where was Calleigh? He looked at his watch, it was all of 2 minutes since he'd last looked and his stomach was churning. He just wanted to get out of here!

"Hi Hon" she breezed in, "Parking was a nightmare, so I used the Departmental badge."

Ryan slid off the bed, put his arms round her and thought he never wanted to let go of this moment. "You're late." He muttered in her ear.

"Last minute hold up. H wanted something for the…." She stopped as she realised Ryan might not remember about Forbes' trial. Should she tell him? He had a right to know, didn't he?

"For the what, Cal?"

"The trial, Ryan, Forbes' trial" she said, her voice was concerned. She was unsure how he'd react.

"How are things going?" he released his hold on her. Why hadn't those memories returned with the others?

"Difficult to tell, I mean, the evidence is sound but your father's influence on the defence…" She trailed off. David was Ryan's father, after all. Even when she'd been really mad at her own father, she wouldn't accept any criticism of him from anyone else. Ryan could feel the same way.

"It's OK, Cal, I know how he operates - boy do I know!"

"They're expecting the verdict today." The look on his face made her regret telling him **that** piece of information.

"Take me to the court." He snapped

"No, Ryan, the doctor said you were to go home and take things easy"

"Look, either **you** take me or I'll call a cab! One way or another I'm **going **to be there" His voice was quiet, level, but determined. Calleigh had never seen that look on his face before, but she knew he would do exactly as he said.

"OK, but don't tell your doctor we're taking a diversion" She sighed, she hadn't realised he could be **stubborn**.

"Thank you. Sorry, didn't mean to get mad at **you**"

"Yes you did, Ryan, but it's OK, I understand."

The nurse came in pushing a wheelchair. "If that's for me," Ryan pointed at it, "you can take it away again. I don't need it and I'm sure not getting in it!"

"Fine, Mr Wolfe. I take it you want to stay in this room for the rest of your life." The look on Ryan's face was a mix of surprise and disgust. "Hospital policy" she continued," you either take one last ride or you stay here."

He shook his head, realising it was pointless to argue and sat heavily into the offending chair. He was getting tired of being pushed around - literally and figuratively. Grabbing the bag containing his things, he slammed it onto his knees, "You've got your way. Now can we go?" He was surprised at himself; he was behaving like a petulant child. He wasn't sure **why **he was behaving this way, and he certainly didn't like it, _"Get a grip, Ryan, or you could wind up losing Calleigh! She wont put up with it for long, she'll make allowance, sure, but there will be a limit to her patience"_ he told himself.

Their uniformed 'shadow' followed them to Calleigh's car, scanning the area while Ryan waited to get in.

"Come on, Cal, I'm a sitting target here!" he shouted. As she looked at him, he grinned. "Well, I am." He quipped.

She glared at him and he shrugged his shoulders, the smile fading a little but remaining around the corners of his mouth. He had the option of dealing with his problems by hostility or humour, he decided humour would probably get him further, and would cause fewer difficulties with Calleigh.

"If you want to go to the courthouse, you'd better behave!" she warned.

Ryan initially thought she was serious, but her eyes gave her away as mischief was hiding behind the glare.

"You **sure** you're up to this?" she continued.

"No, but I have to do it. I've got to be there! I owe it to the others." Ryan was sitting with his arms wrapped around himself. Recently recovered memories were fighting for dominance, but he couldn't let them win. He would be dragged back to those dark recesses of his mind that had taken so much effort to escape. The pain from his still healing wound was intensifying, but he refused to take any medication, he wanted; no, he **needed** a clear head.

As they approached the entrance, they could see Horatio and Eric. Did this mean they were still waiting for the jury to return or was it all over?

"Ryan, what are you doing here? You should be at home resting" Horatio was concerned that the young man was overdoing it.

"Had to come, H. I couldn't stay at home knowing what was going on"

"And how did that happen?" Horatio asked, looking directly at Calleigh.

"He had a right to know, H. I didn't think he'd insist on coming though." Calleigh explained.

At that moment, a uniformed officer came out of the building and spoke quietly to Horatio.

"The jury is coming back" he said softly and turned to re-enter and they all followed. Ryan stumbled; his legs didn't feel as though they wanted to support him. Calleigh noticed and held out her hand to offer support and he nodded his thanks. She helped him into the courtroom and to a seat. He was pale and beads of perspiration were forming on his upper lip. _"Definitely too much too soon"_ she thought and she hoped Ryan would be able to make it. He looked at her; she could see the gratitude in his eyes and she covered his upturned hand with her own.

"Guilty" was all he heard, it was really all that mattered. The sentence didn't matter; nothing could bring his friends back or Lauren out of her coma. In spite of his father's best efforts, Forbes had been found guilty and, at last, there was some justice. Forbes would be taken out of circulation for a while; he wouldn't be able to destroy any more lives.

_Horatio had made him a promise and had kept it. Forbes had been found guilty of vehicular homicide. _

_He hadn't been sure how he would react if Forbes were convicted, with his father on the case, Ryan seriously doubted this moment would ever come but he'd reckoned without the tenacity of Horatio and MDPD. He thought that he'd feel **something** - elation, relief, something - but not this. _

_Standing on the Courthouse steps, he was struggling to keep control. He felt her hand brush against his then her fingers gently wrapped around his hand. She was always there for him now, as were the rest of the team. They'd learned more about Ryan in the last few months than in the two years he'd been working with them, and everyone felt guilty how they'd treated the young CSI. They understood him now, how he lived each and every day in his own private hell, a self imposed exile from the rest of the world - but how, more than anything he just wanted to be accepted once again. _

_The close party of four - Ryan, Calleigh, Horatio and Eric moved towards the Hummer. Ryan and Calleigh getting into the rear of the vehicle. Once out of public eyes, Ryan folded. It was so hard to take in. Forbes had been found guilty of the manslaughter of the young family, but the murder of his six friends, almost seven years previously, could not be taken into account._

_"Lauren, I have to go see Lauren, and the others. I have to tell them," he said tonelessly._

_"Would you like me to come with you?" Calleigh asked._

_Ryan looked at her and nodded._

_"Horatio?"_

_"Sure, Calleigh, I think the circumstances are so unusual we could let you both go. Besides, it isn't the kind of trip he should make alone." He glanced at Ryan who was holding his head in his hands. The young man's grip on reality was slipping away and Calleigh was the only anchor he had. Although the lab needed her, Ryan's need was greater._

Calleigh suddenly remembered her own car.

"Don't worry, Cal, just give me the keys and a rough idea where you've abandoned it. I'll drive it back." Eric offered.

"Thanks Eric". She said, gently cradling Ryan.


	22. Chapter 22

_Sorry to have taken so long to post this chapter and I apologise that it's so short. There are a number of reasons, but I'll try to get back on track and I'll speak nicely to my muse see if she'll return._

Interim

Calleigh closed the bedroom door very gently. Ryan had fallen into a restless sleep and she knew it would take little to wake him. Horatio had made coffee while she was settling Ryan, he offered her a cup.

"Its going to be another couple of days before he can travel that distance" he said.

"Ryan will go when he feels good and ready, regardless of what the doctor thinks. I just didn't realise he was so stubborn. That incident with his father seems to have changed him"

"Perhaps it isn't that he's changed, maybe that's how he has always been" Calleigh looked at him, puzzled, "Ron said Ryan was his father's son. I think he was trying to warn me that Ryan had a darker side. I saw it a few weeks ago when I accompanied him to see his father." H explained.

"But Ryan would never do anything to us…"

"I agree, Calleigh, but that **doesn't **mean he isn't capable of it. He has the same ruthless streak his father does, and he **will** use it if he thinks it's necessary. In his defence, I think you're right, he would never do anything to harm us, on the contrary I believe he would do everything he could to defend us; even if he were to suffer as a result. He makes a very good friend, but I would not want him as an enemy. This episode with Forbes has been particularly difficult for him, brought all sorts of memories and emotions to the surface that he'd prefer to have left in the past."

Calleigh nodded agreement. "Sometimes I hear him, I think he's having nightmares. Don't look at me like _that_ Horatio, the walls are very thin." She blushed, "Anyway, I haven't said anything to him, I'm afraid he night be embarrassed."

"If anyone can get through to him, it's you Calleigh; and he needs someone to help him. There's a risk we could lose him"

"That isn't going to happen, H. I promise you that."

The conversation was ended by the doorbell. Eric had arrived.

"Remember, Calleigh, I'm always available for you to talk to. If you ever need anything, you only have to say."

"Thanks, H. That means a lot" as she passed him, she gave him a quick hug, "Sorry maybe I shouldn't have done that…we're still on the clock, aren't we?" she grinned.

"It's OK, Calleigh, I'll give myself a reprimand. Better let Eric in"


	23. Chapter 23

Lauren

Ryan turned and stretched, immediately wishing he hadn't. His shoulder burned painfully and he had to take a few deep breaths before it eased off. He wondered if he should try getting a shower, how much could he achieve with only one hand, and how would the wound react to all that hot water? There was only one way to find out, he decided and eased out of bed and picking up his bath robe. One thing he had decided, he would go to see Lauren and as soon as possible. He might even get to Boston and leave before his father left Miami; that would be ideal. There would no doubt be an appeal, which would keep his father occupied but something he didn't want to hang around for.

He didn't particularly want to see his father again, he'd much prefer it to be never, but David had to pay and pay dearly for everything that he'd done. Ryan had the outline of a plan, just needed to flesh it out; but he wasn't ready to face the man yet.

He hissed as the water hit his almost healed wound, still tender after near enough to three weeks since the shooting, then enjoyed the sensation of the warm rivulets trickling down, washing away the memories of his stay in the hospital.

He began to plan his day; if everything fell into place, he could be with Lauren tomorrow. He was torn, he wanted Calleigh with him in Boston, but not when he went to see Lauren. He wondered if she would understand; she probably would, Calleigh was the most understanding person he'd ever met. He needed to be alone when he told Lauren he'd fallen in love with someone else; it was already breaking his heart but it had to be done. It didn't matter they all said Lauren knew nothing of what was going on around her. He could remember conversations he had heard while in a coma; something else David had to pay for; his father had been prepared to write him off, sending him off to another hospital for more permanent 'care'.

Then the real horror of his proposed actions hit him! Supposing Lauren **could **still hear him, understand what was being said, _"Oh, hi, bb, listen you've been just lying around for a couple of years now, and I've figured I spent long enough waiting for you to wake up, so I've found someone else" _Not the words he was going to use, but the meaning was the same. He couldn't do it, the whole thing was simply to make **him **feel better. Lauren didn't deserve it, and his relationship with Calleigh wouldn't survive it.

Getting out of the shower, he donned his bathrobe again before padding across to the kitchen to put the coffee on, then back to his room to dress. He was half way through his coffee when Cal emerged from her bedroom, "Hi babe, how you feeling this morning" she asked.

"Good, thanks, Cal. Listen, I was thinking that we could go to Boston tomorrow. If I can get flights that is. You still want to come?"

"Of course, I said I would, didn't I? But don't you think you should give yourself more time to recover? I don't think the doctor was expecting you to travel so far so soon"

"I feel fine Cal, honestly and I really need to do this. Point is …well…I don't think…"

"You don't want me coming to see Lauren" She finished the sentence for him, "Don't worry, babe, I understand. But I **am** coming to the hospital with you." she moved close to him, and taking his face in her cupped hands, gently kissed him, "I love you"

Ryan winced at the pain in his shoulder as he held her; but it was worth it, "Love you too Cal" and he returned the kiss.

"Hate to run, babe but I need to get to the lab. I can leave all the arrangements to you, can I? Call me and then I can let H know"

"Sure. You take care now" he couldn't hide the concern in his voice. Three weeks after the shooting, there had been no news regarding the sniper. No forensic evidence but no further attacks, had it just been a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or had **he** been the target?

"Oh, by the way, if you want to make it a double, it's OK" Calleigh almost threw away the remark as she went through the door.

How he'd wanted her to say something like that, but now! He picked up the phone and dialled the first of many numbers of the day.

"Barbara, it's Ryan."

"_Ryan, how are you?"_ Lauren's mother was on the other end of the line.

He wondered if he was being a coward by calling rather than telling Lauren's mother to her face. "Fine thanks. You heard the verdict? "

"_John called yesterday, soon as it came in. If Forbes hadn't wriggled out of it last time, that couple would still be alive. Your father has a lot to answer for!"_

"I know, but I'm working on it. I'm coming to Boston, I need to see Lauren. I need to talk to you too."

_You've met someone, haven't you, Ryan?"_

"Yes, but how do you know?"

"_We expected it years ago. We didn't want you to keep waiting for something that just isn't going to happen. You shouldn't have waited this long. Don't get me wrong, we've been glad that you've been around for her"_

"I still will be, Cal knows I can't abandon Lauren"

"_She sounds as though she's really special"_

"She is, Barbara"

"_We going to meet her?"_

"Would you like to? I wasn't going to introduce her to Lauren. I know they say Lauren can't hear anything, but…"

"_She hasn't been very well, Ryan, I think you're right."_

"I've some more calls to make, I'll let you know when we'll be there."

"_Looking forward to seeing you again."_

"Me too. Bye Barbara."

He looked at the list - airline, hotel, Cal, Barbara.

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There was a flight shortly after 6pm, Calleigh had promised to leave the lab by 3pm at the latest, giving her plenty of time to pack and get to the airport. At 4pm she'd called to ask Ryan to throw a few things in a bag for her and she'd meet him at the airport.

He was now sitting in 'Departures' waiting. Their flight had been called, and still no sign of Calleigh. He'd promised Barbara he'd meet her at the hospital tomorrow morning, he was getting this flight, whether or not Cal arrived in time. He needed her, he didn't want to do this alone, they'd promised to help him. Something important must have come up.

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Ryan hadn't slept well. He'd been short with Cal when she'd eventually called him last night. He'd been hurting physically and emotionally and taken it out on her. He doubted whether she'd even come to Boston; and he couldn't blame her.

He made his way to Lauren's room, and was greeted by Barbara.

"I thought…" the rest of the sentence froze in her throat by the look on Ryan's face.

"Work." He explained, "She's catching tonight's flight." he paused, "I hope." he said under his breath "How's Lauren today?"

"Go and see for yourself. I told her you were coming" She hugged him, "Thank you for not forgetting"

The shell that had been his first love lay twisted in her bed. Gently, he brushed stray hairs off her face and kissed her forehead. "Hi, bb, thought I'd drop in before I had to go back to work. Sorry it's been a while, but I've been really busy what with the new job and everything. You'd like Miami" He pulled up a chair, and sat down, ready to have a long talk.

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It had been a long day and Ryan was exhausted. It would have been bad enough had he been fully fit; and he was painfully aware that he was far from 'fully fit'. He'd been too tired to eat and had fallen asleep in the bath, waking up only when he ahd been chilled through by the cold water. He was in a thoroughly foul mood as he lay in bed, trying to get warm and going over the events of the day. He'd stayed with Lauren most of the day, talking to her about everything and anything except Calleigh. He'd spent time talking to Lauren's parents, Barbara had probed about Cal, questions he'd deflected as he didn't know quite where he stood any more. He hugged the pillow, wishing it could be Cal, he missed her, wanted her, **needed **her.

He heard the door open, "Ryan, it's me. You awake?"

He threw the bedcovers back and crossed the room in two steps. Holding her close, he whispered "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry Calleigh"

"Me too, babe. Been a bad day, huh?"

Ryan nodded. "Understatement of the century" he said, and shivered.

"You'd better get back into bed" She could fel how cold he was.

"Don't want to be alone any more"

"You wont be, Ryan"


	24. Chapter 24

_This is another short one, but I'm back at work tomorrow,and dont know when I'll be able to post again. Hope you enjoy._

Revelations

Since he'd come out of his coma following the accident, there had been few nights without the nightmares; these he cherished but they gave him false hope that he could put the past behind him. Last night had been one of those times and he knew why, even before he opened his eyes. He could feel her beside him. Nothing had happened, except she had held him close until he fell asleep and he'd felt so safe.

He wanted their first time to be special but his mind was on too many other things right now and she deserved nothing less than 100 of his attention.

He eased himself out of bed, trying hard not to wake her, got his clothes and went into the bathroom to dress. The scars were revealed as he removed the T-shirt he'd slept in. The surgeons had acted quickly to save his life, and he was grateful for that, but he hated the result and he was dreading the day Calleigh would see them for the first time. How would she react; would she be repulsed or feel pity? He should have been straight from the beginning, but he didn't think he would ever stand a chance with her. Now it was such a hard thing to do and each day that passed it became harder. He felt guilt, too, that he had been the only one to survive; the visual reminders and mental scars were part of a vicious, self reinforcing cycle.

He sighed and began to rearrange the few things that needed it in the room. One of the things he detested about hotel rooms was that there was little to be kept in his 'order'. Order and lists, his life seemed at times to be ruled by them. He was tired of it, he wanted it to change; he wanted it over; he wanted the life he used to have.

He picked up the phone and ordered breakfast for them both, then sat by her on the bed and watched her sleep. She was without doubt the most exquisite woman he had ever met, and in his 'former life', he had met the 'best' of Boston society. None could hold a candle to Cal.

He returned to the bathroom to make sure he'd put everything in the right place, while he was checking, the phone rang, waking Calleigh.

"Hello, Calleigh Duquesne speaking." She was quiet while she listened to the person at the other end of the line, "Ryan, it's your mother." Ryan emerged from the bathroom, cursing himself for not being there to answer the call himself. _"I don't she's too impressed by the fact I'm here"_ she whispered. Ryan nodded; his mother would **not** be impressed. "Hello, yes long time…. Tonight? Not sure yet… No we wouldn't… No!.. Why? Well for one thing, I wouldn't put Calleigh through one of your inquisitions...Fine, send the car, we won't be using it!" he slammed the phone down.

"What was that about?" asked Calleigh..

"Mother wanted us to go over for dinner tonight. You heard what I said…and before you ask, I know my family, you don't. My mother is…oh, just trust me on this, you really **don't** want to meet her. On the other hand, there are some friends of mine I'd love to show you off to today, if you're up to it."

"You have friends, do you?" she teased

"I'll have you know I used to be a very popular guy."

"Used to be, Ryan?"

"Yeh" there was a gentle knock on the door, saving him from having to explain any further. "I'd like to call in on Lauren again this morning. Her mom will be there, she said she'd like to meet you. She's a really nice lady but if you'd rather not."

"No, that's fine, Ryan. Listen, something I want to talk to you about. The reason I couldn't make the flight…"

Doesn't matter, Cal. Look, I'm really sorry I yelled at you. I should have listened to you then, now doesn't matter."

"But it does, Ryan. You see, there were more shootings. The bullets were a match."

"To the one they took out of me?"

Calleigh nodded," They've cancelled our 'bodyguard' "

"Awww, just when I've got used to it."

"H says to still be on our guard, but it seems as though you were unlucky."

"Into every life etc., but I still have you. Cancels the rest out." he grinned.

"What else have you in mind today other than parading me around like a prize…"she didn't get any further as he leaned forward and kissed her.

"Sorry, couldn't resist." he explained. "We used to play together" he began, then realised he'd have to elaborate when her eyebrows raised, "Music!"

"Ah!" she said, a smile playing around the corners of her mouth. "I see! I'm not expected to play anything, am I?"

"We did play an occasional round' "

"Round of what?" she teased

"Music"

"That what they're calling it now?"

"It's what they've always called it"

They fell back on the bed, and Calleigh began to unbutton his shirt. Ryan froze, then pulled away, sitting up quickly. "I..I can't. I'm sorry, Cal, I just **can't**"

Calleigh was bewildered, she hadn't the faintest idea what she'd done wrong. "Ryan, talk to me, please. What have I done?"

"Nothing, its…it's me! I just don't want you to see."

She stood up and went over to him. "Ryan, tell me what's wrong!"

"It…the accident…I had internal injuries, they had to operate. They needed to go in quick, no time for 'pretty'. My heart stopped twice…"

"You're ashamed of your scars?"

"Not ashamed, Cal…just afraid of how they look to…I'm sort of used to them, but they aren't pretty."

"Come here" she held out her arms to him, this time he didn't resist as she undid the buttons. When she saw the scars, she realised how close they'd come to never having the chance to know him.

"I shouldn't be here, Cal."

But you are, Ryan. Did you really think I'd stop loving you because of them?"

"It's happened before, Cal. I was so afraid you…"

"I **love** you, Ryan. You get that or do I have to beat you?"

He held her tightly, and sighed. It was done, she was neither repulsed nor pitied him. He couldn't believe it, she still loved him, she wanted to be with him - scars and all, "I get it."

They both knew the time was right, not as 'special' as Ryan had envisaged, but it was **right.**


	25. Chapter 25

More Secrets Revealed

He sighed contentedly, his lips brushing her hair as he eased himself up.

"Much as I'd rather stay here" he began, his heart beating faster as she turned her head to look at him, "we have places to go, and people to meet."

"You sure about that?" she laughed as she pulled him towards her. She'd imagined he'd be a gentle lover but that didn't even begin to describe him. Life was going to be **very** interesting from now on.

"Don't tempt me any more, Cal, please. I'm just not going to be able to say 'No'!"

"I was hoping you'd say that"

"Come on" he became very serious again, it was the kind of look that disturbed her, she just knew he was going to drop another of his bombshells.

"Come on Ryan, spit it out, what is it **this **time?"

"There's someone very special I'd like you to meet. Barbara said she'd be there today. Thing is, she's the most important person in my life, has been for six years"

Calleigh's heart stopped, how could he do this to her? She'd thought he was different, but he was like all the others. Get her to love him then walk out on her.

"And she's called **what**?" the pain and irritation in her voice were unmistakable.

"Her name's Catherine, and she's…" he paused, taking a deep breath, "she's"

"Oh for goodness sake, Ryan. I've been through so much with you, we've just made love, and all the time there was this other woman in the background - you were thinking about someone else!" she jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

"It isn't that at all! Please, Cal, listen to me" he could hear her sobbing through the door. This was going even worse than he'd feared, "Calleigh, please open the door, let me talk to you"

"There's nothing you can say that I want to hear! Go away, I'm booking a flight home. I've had enough of your secrets."

"Calleigh, she's only six. She's my daughter!"

There was a delay, the sobs stopped and eventually the door opened. Calleigh stood there, "Your **daughter**!"

"We didn't know Lauren was pregnant that night, it was discovered later. Cathy shouldn't be here either, but she is"

"Who takes care of her?"

"John and Barbara adopted her. In some ways it was the hardest decision I ever made, in others the easiest. I had nothing to offer - I was a student living in one room of a cold water tenement. Barbara and John have given her the love and stability she deserves. I get up here as often as I can, and I've sent as much as I could to support her."

"Your daughter!" Calleigh was still in shock. _"As bombshells go, this is a **big** one, Ryan" she thought._ "I really can't believe this! How long have I known you, how many nights have we sat up talking about anything and everything but it conveniently slipped you memory that you have a daughter? Exactly when did you intend telling me? When she goes to school? Or maybe you're going to wait until she graduates, or even gets married! Or are you hoping she can come to live with us?"

Ryan's head was down. "It's nothing like that. You don't understand."

"So try explaining it to me Ryan, I'm not exactly stupid you know, I can understand quite complex ideas !"

"Cathy doesn't know I'm her father. She can't, not until she's much older and she can understand how important it is that she keeps it secret"

"Why should she need to do that?"

"Because if my father finds out about her, he'll take her away and neither Lauren's parents nor I will ever see her again. I can't let him do that. If it means I can never admit to being her father, then it's the way it has to be."

"And you're happy with disowning your own child!" the tone of her voice left Ryan under no illusions - she thought he was wrong.

"I'm not disowning her, Cal. I'm trying to protect her. Barbara and John are the only 'parents' she has ever known, they love her unconditionally as it should be between parent and child. It is not how I experienced life growing up. It was all about competition, being better than everyone else - including my own brother. I don't want that for her, I want her to have a childhood. I want her to be happy, and she is. Look, I know I've been wrong keeping this from you, but I've had an awful lot of years hiding this - not because I want to, I'd love to be able to tell everyone, but try to understand - for Cathy's sake, I'm just an honorary uncle."

She could see the emotion in his eyes, he was pleading for her understanding, but she wasn't sure how they were going to get round this. Not the fact that he had a daughter, but the fact that he'd kept it from her. She felt as though he was unable to trust her, and if that were the case, then there really wasn't any future for them. A few moments ago, it had all been so different, they'd had a future. She loved and was loved. Now she just didn't know. "I'm going to have to think about this Ryan. I'm going to go out for a bit. I may see you at the hospital, I'll get a cab, don't worry about me."

"Cal, please, can't we talk about this?"

"Ryan, you've had weeks, months to do that and you chose not to. Now I choose not to give you an instant answer. I need time to think. I'm not sure I can trust you any more."

Ryan sat on the bed and watched as she got ready, then left. The door closed and he felt sure it had closed on their future too. Miserably, he prepared to go back to the hospital, to his first love, and his daughter.


	26. Chapter 26

Beginning of the End

He braced himself as the mass of red curls hurled themselves at him with a cry of "Ryaaannnnnn!" She was her mother. Ryan often wondered if he'd had any genetic input at all, but the less there was to indicate he was her father, the safer she'd be.

"I thought Calleigh would be with you" said Barbara

"We had a fight. Well not exactly a fight, she yelled, I listened. She said she couldn't trust me any more" He sat down and Cathy jumped on his knee, causing the all to familiar burning pain in his shoulder.

"Why is that?" Barbara asked

"Because I didn't tell her. She said …really doesn't matter, Barbara. If it can't work with Calleigh, it's never going to work with anyone. Just have to get used to being on my own again." there was a depth of sadness in his voice, a resignation, a realisation that he had to accept the inevitable. "If it's the price I have to pay to protect her" he glanced at Cathy, "then I'll pay it - a dozen times over. She's the innocent one in all of this, she deserves her chance" He gave Cathy a hug and she responded by throwing her arms around his neck. "Is it OK if I take her outside for a bit?"

"Of course it is Ryan. And what should I tell Calleigh if she turns up?"

"She isn't going to. I had a day all planned, but guess my plans have been changed. I'll be about an hour. I'm sorry, Barbara. I didn't mean to let you down like this…but.."

"You aren't letting anyone down, Ryan. There are many, many times when I wonder why you have to make it so difficult for yourself. I don't suppose you've recovered from the events of the last few months, and you're still pushing yourself. Give it some time, go do something childish with Cathy" he looked at her with gratitude, "**Go**! She ordered." with a smile on her face.

She watched as they walked away, grateful that Ryan was still playing a big part in all their lives, but regretting that it was costing him so much.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She was sitting with Lauren when she saw Calleigh, she **knew **it was Calleigh, Ryan's description had been so accurate. Quickly she left Lauren's side and the room.

"Calleigh? It is Calleigh, isn't it? "

"Yes, are you Barbara? Is Ryan here?"

"Yes, I'm Barbara, no he isn't. He's taken Cathy out - I told him to do something childish." she smiled. "He was worried he'd ruined everything and you wouldn't forgive him."

"So…what did he tell you happened?"

"Not much, just that you'd yelled and he'd listened. He's spent so many years keeping everything to himself, he finds it difficult to let go now. He's a most remarkable young man - but I suppose you know that. He could have turned his back on us, walked away. It would have been so much easier on him, especially in the beginning when I hated him for surviving." Calleigh looked at her in surprise, "Come to the rest area, I'll get you a coffee and we can talk." Barbara linked arms with Calleigh and steered her in the direction she wanted to go.

"Here" she said, having sat Calleigh down and thrust a cup in her hand. "Now what did he tell you about me, and I'll tell you what he said about you"

"He said you were a lovely lady and that you wanted to meet me" Calleigh answered.

"Typical Ryan! He didn't tell you how evil I was to him, how I resented the fact that David's son should survive when he had four other children at home, and one a Ryan clone."

"No."

"Lauren is our only child, no-one had any idea she was pregnant when the accident happened. I refused to let Ryan see Lauren to begin with, but he just kept coming back. When he discovered he was to become a father, his first thoughts were for Lauren and then the child. He wanted to make sure that David could never get his hands on her. You know, when he said he'd met someone, I was so happy for him, after the incident with Kelly, I didn't think he'd ever find the courage to try again."

"He hasn't told me about Kelly either" Calleigh's tone was decidedly frosty

"He would do just about anything to forget it! It was in his second year at college. He met Kelly, they got on well until she saw the scars. She called him a freak, said he should be in a horror movie and had no right to mix with normal people. Then she told all her friends who told theirs. After that, he cut himself off from everyone. Well, everyone except us and his uncle."

"Ron, I've met him." Calleigh understood a lot more now, and cursed Ryan for being so secretive.

"Calleigh, I want to be honest with you. Lauren is very ill, she isn't responding to treatment and she isn't going to live much longer. Ryan doesn't know, we're not sure if we should tell him."

"You and your husband?"

Barbara nodded, "Ryan will be devastated. We've been expecting it for years, but Ryan has always held onto the hope that she would awake from her coma as he did from his. He is going to need you to an extent you may not be able to give. If you're going to leave him, it's best you do it now. Don't let him think you'll always be there for him only to let him down at the crucial time. John and I will help him, the way he did us."

"Do you really think I'd do that to him?" Calleigh protested.

"Not intentionally. You may honestly believe you're in love with him - and I'm not suggesting you aren't. What I am trying to point out is shortly he's going to really need his friends. Whatever you give him, he'll repay a hundred times, but make no mistake - he **is **going to need us."

"Calleigh!" she recognised the voice, there was hope and fear.

"Hi Ryan. I've thought, I'm staying."

"Thank you." they embraced, after a few moments, he pulled away, "I'd like you to meet a young lady who is very important to me. Two deep brown eyes looked at her through impossibly long lashes. A riot of red curls framed the child's face, her hand held Ryan's possessively.

"Are you a princess?" Cathy asked, "You have long golden hair, so you could be Rapunzel."

Calleigh smiled, "No I'm not a princess, and my name's Calleigh."

"Hmm. You a friend of Ryan's?"

"Yes"

"You going to marry him?"

"He hasn't asked me yet." Calleigh was a little unnerved by the child's questioning.

"You like her, don't you Ryan" Cathy said, she knew, it wasn't a question.

"Yes." Ryan replied.

"If you marry her, will you still love me?"

"Of course I will, nothing and no-one can ever change that." Ryan answered.

"But you wont be able to marry me!" Cathy pouted.

"I think by the time you're old enough to get married, you will have found someone more to your liking."

"But **I** love you Ryan."

"I know you do darling, and I love you too, but I'm really much too old for you. Don't you like Calleigh?"

"Yes. She's pretty and she talks pretty too. You going to ask her to marry you?"

"In time" Ryan looked across at Calleigh, she returned his gaze. He knew that although she hadn't forgiven him for keeping Cathy a secret from her, she was beginning to accept why he'd done it.

There was still hope.


	27. Chapter 27

Complications

Calleigh was jolted awake. It took her a few moments to realise what was happening. Ryan was calling out in his sleep; his breathing was shallow and rapid, his hair stuck to his head with perspiration. He was obviously having a nightmare.

"Ryan, Ryan, wake up honey. You're OK, just wake up."

His eyes flew open, panic on his face. Then he realised Cal was there and he grabbed at her, holding on like a drowning man. "It's OK, you're safe" she said.

"Is it ever going to end?" he groaned

"You want to talk about it?" she asked

"I just keep seeing it, I keep seeing them, hearing…" he faltered. She held him gently, stoking his hair and telling him it was going to be OK.

Gradually she felt the tension ease as he slipped back into sleep, but it eluded her. She slid out from between the sheets and picked up the digital camera, flicking through the pictures they'd taken the day before. She had been somewhat dubious when Ryan had suggested the three of them spend some time together, she had thought Ryan was trying to bring up the subject of Cathy moving in with them, and she didn't think she was ready to be a mother just yet. He'd convinced her that, although he'd give just about anything to have her with him, it wouldn't be fair to Cathy. His feelings had to come a long way after hers.

Cathy was a charmer, bright and with a well developed sense of mischief. She'd recovered from wanting to marry her 'uncle' Ryan, and had spent much of the time questioning the pair of them whether she could come to visit them in Miami, and would they take her to the beach to build sandcastles. Ryan had been more childlike than Calleigh had ever seen him. Calleigh had asked who had chosen the name, "I did" Ryan had told her and when asked why he'd explained that 'Wuthering Heights' had been Lauren's favourite novel, he recalled how he'd teased her and asked who was to be her Heathcliffe. It was during this conversation she realised that Ryan still had a great deal of feeling for Lauren and that Barbara had been right, when Lauren died, Ryan would be devastated. Would she be able to give him the support he needed? Should she walk away when they returned to Miami?

She looked at the clock, 4am. She turned the camera off and slipped back between the sheets. In his sleep, Ryan turned to her and his right arm fell across her. She wouldn't leave him, how could she when he obviously needed her so badly, somehow and from somewhere she would find the strength.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She'd been unaware of falling asleep, but she must have done, as the shrill ringing from the phone woke her again, answering it she recognised Mrs Wolfe's voice - the clipped, precise tones immediately identifiable. She nudged Ryan awake, "It's your mother - **again**" as she passed the phone to him. Looking at the clock, she noted the time was 8am, and they really ought to be up as they were supposed to meet Barbara at 10.00. Going into the bathroom, she heard Ryan becoming more angry, she didn't know what his mother was saying, but he certainly didn't like it.

The sound of the shower meant she didn't hear him coming into the bathroom, but the soft hiss of the shower door opening made her jump round, covering herself as best she could with her hands.

"Ryan!" she yelled.

"Thought we could have an environmentally friendly shower" he quipped, the look on his face reminded her of the 'gaitor in the pipe' incident.

"A what?!"

"Save water - shower with a friend"

"You are impossible!" she tried to remain angry but knew she was losing the battle with herself. "What did your mother want"

"Not important, what I want is though. And what I need is….a shower"

"Well, you can have it to yourself now" she grabbed a towel.

He looked crestfallen, "OK, fine." he paused for a moment, "Cal, thanks for being there for me - the nightmares. Just wanted.."

"It's OK, Ryan, really. Just wish I could do more to help."

"What you did was just right. I thought, hoped that they might ease off after the trial. Doesn't seem to be the case though. Oh and she wanted us to go to dinner tonight" he sighed, "she was most insistent, so I said we were going back to Miami."

Calleigh wondered once again at his ability to change subject without pausing for breath. It was as though his mind was working in two channels at the same time."Don't tell me, she wanted to know the time of the flight so she could book herself on"

Again **that** grin, "Not quite, she said she'd do lunch instead. I still said 'No', couldn't tell her why though. I just don't want to lose a second with Cathy. She's sending the car to collect us, so we'd better leave the back way."

"Is there one?" asked Calleigh

"Always is - so the bad guys can escape" he said as he got into the shower. "This is getting silly" he continued, "I just wish she'd leave me alone."

They left their room an hour later, slipped out through the staff entrance and to their rental vehicle. No-one, least of all his mother, was going to prevent Ryan from spending this day with his daughter and Calleigh - the two great loves in his life, nor would she prevent him from making one more visit to Lauren. He sensed Lauren's life was coming to an end; if the existence she had could be termed life. Still, while she was still breathing, there was a chance that the 'Sleeping Beauty' could wake up. If she did, how would he tell her about Cal, and would she still allow him to see Cathy? He'd face that problem when or if it arose. It would have its positive side, Lauren would be back with her family.

He started the car and eased along the car park, in time to see his mother getting out of hers.


	28. Chapter 28

Plotting

Ryan watched his mother approach their car. This was not how he'd wanted it to be. He didn't want Calleigh to meet his mother, he knew what **her** reaction would be and he wanted to spare Calleigh that ordeal. His head dropped, there was no avoiding this confrontation; the best he could do was try to recover some control. He took a deep breath as he raised his head; he passed his cell phone to Calleigh, "Call Barbara for me would you. Tell her we may be a little late." and he got out of the car, hoping to stop his mother before she was within Calleigh's earshot.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "Didn't I make it clear enough?"

"I wanted to see what she had, you're so besotted with her, you'd cut yourself off from your own family."

"I think that happened some time ago - or maybe you haven't noticed I wasn't around much the last seven years. ut then, you do have a very full social calendar."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you, Ryan"

"Oh, and I wont mention the fact that **you** were doing all the research for a suitable hospital to have me committed."

"That was for your own good."

He shook his head, "Look, we really don't have anything to say to each other. Cal and I have a lot to do today, so if you wouldn't mind asking Roberts to move the car…"

"Ryan, you can't be serious about this girl...her connections…"

"Are just perfect. I love her, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I never want her to be missing from my life. Now - do you get that, do you understand it? If not, tell me which part of it you don't and I'll do my best to put it in simpler terms. If it comes down to a choice between Calleigh and you; there's no competition. Now, I've asked nicely, please let us pass."

She tried to brush past him, in an attempt to speak to Calleigh, but he wouldn't allow it. "Your father is very distressed over this Forbes business" she said

"What, that for the first time in his life, he's lost something?" Ryan retorted.

"You could at least have some sympathy for him."

"Why, when did he show any for me, or Lauren or any of the others? He defended Forbes, in spite of the fact he was guilty then as he was in Miami. If David hadn't got Forbes off on a technicality, a family would not be dead; a child would not be growing up without his parents and brother." Ryan paused, if his father were weakened, now might be a good time to attack, "Look, let me speak to Calleigh. If you give me your word you'll behave - and that you will make sure everyone treats her with respect, then possibly we may come to dinner. **But**, any hint of disrespect and we will leave immediately. Understood?" She nodded agreement. "Fine, I'll call you later. Now, may we please go?"

She turned and went back to her car, Ryan went back to Calleigh, who looked at him quizzically, "Are you going to tell me what went on there?" she asked.

Ryan kissed her, "Of course I am, and I'm going to tell you why I said what I did." he replied.

"And was that for my benefit, or hers?" Calleigh's eyes flicked to where Ryan's mother still stood.

"Mostly yours. I really do love you Cal."

"I know Ryan. Barbara became very frosty when I told her your mother was here"

"She would, they used to be best friends before all this happened, had been all their lives. But…" he stopped as the memories became too painful.

"Your parents really have no idea Cathy is yours? How come?"

"When it was discovered that Lauren was pregnant, Barbara didn't want my family to have anything to do with the baby. I mean, think about it, my father had defended the man responsible for it all. She told my mother that Lauren had been cheating on me, and that she'd informed the 'father', who wanted nothing to do with it."

"Did you believe it?"

"I was still in a coma when the pregnancy first came to light. It took months for me to be able to think clearly, and yes, to begin with I did. Can't tell you how much it hurt, Cal; I'd trusted her absolutely and she betrayed me! Then gradually, I realised there just wouldn't have been time!" he smiled, "By then, I'd also learned about my father's actions; it took time to plan things so I could leave - all the time, I was trying to see Lauren and Barbara."

"She told me how evil she'd been to you."

"It was understandable, there were many times I hated myself. Why should I survive, just me - no-one else? I understood why she'd said what she had, and was equally determined that my family would never get their hands on him or her. I suppose some would think I had a wonderful childhood and in many ways I did. It was only as I grew up I realised that it came with an incredibly high price tag; and it wasn't one I wanted any child of mine to pay, no matter how good the nanny is it isn't the same as your parents. No, Cathy is far better off where she is; but I've had to miss out on so many of the milestones in my daughter's life and there are more to come. I couldn't be there when she was born; would have aroused too many suspicions, I missed her first steps, her first words, first day at school. To her I'll always be 'Ryan', never 'daddy', I want so much to be able to hear her call me 'daddy'. Right, come on, we have things to do."

Calleigh realised that the ability to change subject so rapidly was a defence mechanism, for when things were getting too hard for him to cope with. He was a far more complex person than she could ever have imagined, and his daily struggle to maintain something even approaching a 'normal' life made her love him more. He was someone who needed understanding and support , but most of all he needed to be loved.

"Listen, Cal, I have the biggest favour to ask you"

"What?"

"I said I didn't want to put you through the ordeal of meeting my family"

"But you've changed your mind"

"You're beginning to know me too well, Miss Duquesne. I have something in mind to make him pay, if not for everything, then at least some way towards it."

"OK, Wolfe, what do you want me to do?"

"Just go to dinner"

"You sure I know not to eat my peas off the knife?"

"I know you can - neat trick" he grinned, "I only said they had to play nice - said nothing about us. If you agree to it, I'll give her a call to let her know the 'good' news"

"Why not, Ryan? Why not? Might even be fun." there was a glint in her eye that let him know she was planning some sort of mischief, and he loved it.

They had absolutely no idea what was about to hit them.


	29. Chapter 29

_Sorry to have taken so long with this, Nikki has been trying to keep me on track, but she's had a tough job. This chapter did not want to be written. So, if you enjoy..say thanks to Nikki._

Return

Barbara and Cathy were waiting for them when they arrived at the hospital. Cathy dived at Ryan first and then unwrapped herself to wind round Calleigh.

"How did it go with your mother?" Barbara asked.

"Better than I thought it would," he replied, "We're going to dinner tonight; get it over with before we fly back to Miami"

"That's tomorrow. Do you think it's wise?"

Ryan nodded, watching Calleigh's interaction with Cathy made him smile, "I assume you mean the dinner and not going back…well maybe not the wisest thing I've ever done, but David has got to start paying for all the hurt he's caused."

"And how do you intend achieving that?"

"What does he value above all?"

"Money and position" She didn't hesitate.

"Then, those are the areas I'm targeting."

"Ryan!"

"Don't worry; it's all legal - well just about. I've learnt from the master. Look, I'm going to tell Lauren about it, why don't you come in with me?"

"But Cathy…"she began.

"Cal, would you keep an eye on Cathy while we go in to see Lauren?" he asked.

"Sure Ryan - just try not to be too long?" Cal wasn't sure about being left on her own with the livewire that was his daughter.

"Calleigh I know how the candy machine works, want me to show you?"offered Cathy

"Take it from me, Cal, you'd be wiser getting her something else or you'll never be able to keep up, let alone catch her. If you could connect her to the power system, she'd probably have enough energy to supply a small town. Take it from one who learned the hard way" Ryan cautioned

The thought of Ryan trying to catch a hyperactive six year old made her smile, but she decided not to put herself in the same situation. "So, Cathy, what else can we do?"

"I can't persuade you to get me some candy?"

"No"

"Can't blame a kid for trying" she grinned, "We could go to the play area, and play on the swings. Do you like swings, Calleigh?"

"I used to when I was a little girl"

"Don't you now?"

"They don't make them big enough for grown ups"

"Not much fun being grown up then, is there?"

"Well, there are compensations"

"What's compstations?"

"Something good to balance out something bad."

"Oh, still doesn't sound like much fun"

"It isn't mostly." said Calleigh

"Think I'll stay a kid then."

"Are you going to show me this play area then?" asked Calleigh.

Cathy nodded, taking Calleigh's hand in hers. She looked up at Calleigh. The colouring may have been Lauren, but the shy smile was pure Ryan. How on earth did they think they were going to keep the child's parentage a secret for much longer?

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Ryan found them in the play area, watching them playing for a few moments before letting them now he was there, Calleigh was sitting on the swing next to Cathy, their heads bowed towards each other, obviously deep in conversation.

"Am I interrupting anything?" he asked

"Girl talk, Ryan" Cathy answered, then leapt off her swing and hugged him fiercely. "Can we go now?"

Ryan knelt to hug her, looked at Calleigh and asked "OK with you?"

"Sure" she answered; "we're getting along very well, aren't we?" she looked at Cathy

"Yes. You got a really great friend, Ryan, I like her a lot. She's my friend too. Do you mind?"

"I'm really happy you both get along." Ryan replied. "Where do you want to go?"

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Ryan knocked on the bathroom door for at least the tenth time. "Cal, any danger you might be ready some time this week, Roberts is waiting downstairs!"

"All right - you landed this on me at short notice. It's your fault. I don't have anything suitable for a formal dinner." As she came out of the bathroom, Ryan took a sharp intake of breath. "Won't it do?" she'd chosen from her limited wardrobe with care - the green of her blouse echoed that in her eyes and the ivory suit was the exact shade to bring out the slight blush of her complexion.

"It isn't that, Cal, it isn't at all. You're so…so…**_beautiful!_**" the undisguised admiration in his voice couldn't be mistaken.

"Really? Thanks babe" she reddened at the compliment. "Watch the lipstick, Wolfe." she cautioned as he leaned over to kiss her.

"Are you really sure you're OK with this? I can call it off now."

"Don't you dare! I'm looking forward to this."

"I'm not! But come on, I've said we'd turn up…and I think Roberts is going to be a little annoyed if he doesn't get to see you again."

They went downstairs and the door to the limo was held open for them.

"_A girl could get used to this" _thought Calleigh. _"And Ryan walked away from it all!" _

"Good evening, Miss Duquesne, Mr Ryan. Good to see you again, sir. We've all missed you." Roberts greeted them.

"Thanks" Ryan responded.

Ryan held Calleigh close on their journey to his old home, the one he'd left seven years ago under cover of darkness, the one to which he'd vowed he would never return. "Cal, if you have any doubts at all, say so now. We can go back to the hotel, you don't have to do this."

"Ryan, I'm sure, you've told me what you want to do and I've agreed to back you. I'm not going to change my mind. OK? I agree with what you want to achieve."

"You really are one special lady." Ryan announced proudly.

"You better believe it Wolfe!"

"I love you Calleigh Duquesne.

"I know…oh my, is this where you grew up?"

Even in the dark, the house was magnificent. Calleigh realised how deeply Ryan must have been hurt by his family's reactions to the accident; to have turned his back on such luxury, privilege.

"Ready to meet the pack?"

She nodded.

"If you feel uncomfortable, let me know. We'll leave. If they say anything they shouldn't, we'll leave. OK?"

"I'm not the delicate flower you think, Ryan."

"I know. You don't realise how evil they can be. There's something I'd **much** rather be doing right now."

"Behave, Ryan!"

"Oh, I am…but very badly." he grinned.

The limo pulled up outside the door. Roberts opened the door. Ryan helped Calleigh out of the vehicle. The front door to the mansion opened, "Mr Ryan, Miss Duquesne! Welcome home, Mr Ryan. It's so good to see you again!"

"Thanks William." Ryan's hand lightly touched Calleigh's waist, ushering her into the house. "Is the music room still…" he didn't finish.

"Yes, Mr Ryan and the piano is always kept in tune, just in case you should return."

Ryan grabbed Calleigh's hand, "Come on" he said, "time to let them know we're here."

"What are you doing, Ryan?" she asked. Ryan dragged her to the solid, oaken door, and flung it open. He strode across the room to the grand piano sited in the corner and began sifting through the sheets of music.

"Don't worry, Cal, I've been practising." he chose a piece, and the triumphant chords of Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto thundered out of the room and up the stair. Not only was he technically perfect, but he'd rediscovered his love of music, the element that had made his interpretation superior to Sean's.

Ryan was back! The heart of the family had returned.


	30. Chapter 30

Reunion.

As the final notes faded to memory, Ryan turned to see his parents in the doorway undeniable pride showing on their faces. He had played with his previous panache, the indefinable extra that had marked his performances from those of his brother, that had made the instrument speak; and if he admitted it to himself, he had more than enjoyed the feeling again. His father had been right when he'd said that very few had the talent he possessed, and his resolve began to weaken, it was only a vague unease, a microscopic hole in his defences, so slight it wasn't worth noting.

"That was wonderful, Ryan" his mother moved towards him, Ryan almost instinctively retreated; bumping into Calleigh as he did so, "I kept everything as it was. I knew you'd come back one day."

He glanced around the room - there to the left was the harpsichord they'd bought for his fourteenth birthday, a mad demand he'd made as a bet with Sean. He had lost that particular bet and had ended up with the ancient instrument, but had learned to play it and by chance it had also been the beginning of Lauren and him. The bonus had been, of course, that Sean had discovered he suffered from vertigo and was unable to take more than one trip in the hot air balloon - he'd been in therapy for months - Ryan was quite unable to suppress the smile at the memory.

When he was planning his 'escape', it had never occurred to him that his parents might actually miss him, that his mother could mourn his departure. Parents did it, of course, when children went missing. They'd keep everything as it was as a sort of insurance that the child would return; but only when they'd deeply loved their children. He was very aware that his parents were proud of him and his achievements - it had never occurred to him that they might love him too. As he was growing up, he'd seen how other families worked and how they showed they loved each other, so he'd grown up with the knowledge that his parents didn't love any of their children. There had never been any of the intimate touches or hugging in the Wolfe household, no quick kisses, no 'I love you, mom' - not as it had been in his friends' homes. His knowledge and deeply seated beliefs were being shaken. The microscopic hole was becoming a needle's width.

"Your room is as you left it." his mother said, "why don't you go and see if there's anything you'd like to take back with you to Miami? Or you could stay here tonight, no need to return to the hotel" she finished hopefully.

He was about to say he had no desire to see his old room, he didn't want to revive the ghosts of that night, he'd spent a lot of years trying hard to forget, but Calleigh caught his eye, and the look on her face screamed at him that she wanted to see where he'd spent most of his life. He shrugged and turned, "What time is everyone coming?" he asked.

"We thought we'd keep it small for tonight. Just the four of us" his father said.

Ryan supposed he should be thankful for small mercies. The entire Wolfe clan was not an arena for a novice like Calleigh. Ryan had no doubt she could hold her own with them, but this was better, and hopefully she'd never have to meet the rest of them. He took Calleigh's hand, leading her across the black and white tiled hall and up onto the curved staircase. Memories came flooding back, mostly of him and Lauren - of all the times they'd run up and down this staircase, the time she dared him to slide down the banister and he'd said OK, so long as she did too and they'd both collapsed in a heap on the floor. His father had come out of his study to see what the commotion was about, and had a most disapproving look on his face which had seemed hysterically funny to them both. A few moments later, his wrist had begun to hurt and that was the first indication he'd had that he'd broken his arm. Still, it had been worth it!

At the top of the sweeping staircase, he automatically turned to the left and opened the third door along the corridor. It was a he'd feared, and as his mother had said. Not a thing had been touched, he wouldn't have been surprised had it all been covered in dust and cobwebs, and that night forced its way into his consciousness, he could almost hear the dinner party downstairs, his heart pounded as it had as he collected his things and crept down the back staircase to the yard below where his car stood. Calleigh took a sharp intake of breath as he grasped her hand far too tightly, and brought him back to the present.

"I'm sorry, Cal" he apologised.

No, Ryan, **I'm** sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to do this." She looked around what had been his bedroom, it was bigger than some of the apartments she'd rented as a student.

"They missed me." he said

"There's much to miss." she took his hand in both of hers.

"You don't understand, Cal, I didn't think they loved me -any of us, but they do. They just can't show it. I suppose the way my father tried to get me back was the only way he knew how. Why they've suddenly changed tack…well I haven't any idea, but they have. All I know is; they want me back."

"What do you want?" she asked.

"I can either have you and Cathy or I can come home. I can't have both."

"Taking me out of the equation," she said, "What do you want?"

He sighed, "I want you and Cathy. Barbara wouldn't allow me to have access if she thought Cathy would be around my parents. I can't blame her for that, I spent long enough hating my father for defending Forbes, still do. Thing is, now I know I hate what he **did** rather than hating **him**." He swept a key ring into his hand and slipped it into his pocket. "Come on, let's get out of here. This is history." He turned and embraced her, "I really love you, Cal. If it came to a choice of you or Cat…"

He wasn't allowed to finish, "Ryan Wolfe, it will **never** come to that!" she said emphatically, "I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. Cathy needs you, even if she doesn't know it."

They heard his parents nearing his old room and suddenly stopped talking, separating like two adolescents almost caught by their parents.

"Well, can we persuade you to stay?" his mother asked, hopefully.

"Too many memories." Ryan responded.

"Well, then, another room? "

"No, we're flying back tomorrow. We have to pack."

"Let's have dinner and we can talk" his father suggested. He turned and left the bedroom, his soft footsteps padding down the hall, Ryan's mother following him.

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Dinner was a 'civilised' affair, the food delicious and the conversation polite. During it, Ryan put his idea, a demand in its formulation, to his father. Ryan **would** play again, in public. The latest devastation for which Forbes was responsible had resulted in a child growing up in the custody of his grandparents, without the benefit of his parents, without the company of his twin brother. They couldn't afford all the things the child would need, and if he was bright enough to go to college, he would have to work, as Ryan had. A benefit concert could provide the funds needed to make things easier, and if his father and Forbes were to contribute to the costs, then the maximum amount of money would be there in trust for the child. **Nothing** could make up for his loss, but life could be made a little easier.

Ryan pointed out that by making a big contribution to the costs, his father would gain two ways - it would prove that he was acting only in the interests of his client and it could be offset against taxes.

"Would we be allowed to attend?" David had asked.

Ryan smiled, "If you want to. And, as the major contributors, you'd get the best seats in the house. Can't say the same for Forbes though."

The 'needle's width' grew to a major breach, the cracks radiated outwards as the defences crumbled.

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So it was greed, and on his return to Miami, Ryan began the long process of organising the benefit concert, contacting his old friends in his high school orchestra and negotiating a date when they could all be available at a time when his preferred venue was free.

Calleigh had other things on her mind. She stared at the blue line, lost in thought as Alexx came into the ladies rest room.

"You OK, hon?"

Calleigh looked at her, tears budding in her eyes.

"Oh, my. Does he know?" Alexx asked.

Calleigh shook her head. "I don't think I'm ready to be a mom" she replied.

"In that case," Alexx began, "you shouldn't have done what you obviously did. You never heard of 'safe sex'? What you going to do?"

"Don't know." Calleigh knew Ryan already had one daughter he couldn't acknowledge, how would he react to the news he was to become a father again?


	31. Chapter 31

_Don't get anything for months then things come all at once. Thanks for all the encouragement people, hope you enjoy this._

Shock

"You OK, Cal?" Ryan's voice broke through her thoughts.

"Hmm…yes, fine"

"Anything you want to tell me?"

"Why would you say that? Have you been talking to Alexx?" she demanded.

"Hey, calm down, it's just you were so quiet. Thought maybe you were getting tired of Mozart." Ryan had been working hard on the programme for the benefit, all members of the proposed orchestra had put forward their favourite pieces and he was trying to ensure the audience wouldn't need to take sleeping bags and have the numbers of the local takeaways. "What does Alexx know that I don't?" he teased.

"Nothing, why should I need to consult Alexx."

Ryan picked up on the word, "Consult…why, are you sick or…" a look of horror crossed his face, "No, Cal, don't tell me, please, not that! You can't be pregnant!"

"Of course not Ryan. She...erm…she was just asking about how I was getting on with your parents. Anyway, why would I see her about that?"

"You two conspire about most things." his voice was relieved, "Guess we'll have to be more careful in future, we did take a few chances in Boston."

"Mmmm." she agreed. They'd been back three weeks, and so much had changed. She hadn't panicked too much when she was late, and had bought the pregnancy testing kit more to reassure herself that she wasn't pregnant. The positive result had shaken her, and she had trouble accepting it but Ryan's attitude had hit her hard, she hadn't anticipated he would be so very much against it. If she were to continue with the pregnancy, she felt sure she would lose Ryan, but in a remarkably short period of time she'd become very protective of the new life beginning inside her.

"Think I've had enough for tonight" Ryan stretched to release the kinks in his shoulders and neck and eased himself onto the couch beside her. He snuggled up, gently putting his arm around her but she pulled away. "Come on Cal, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just tired, that's all. Think I'll have an early night."

"Alone?"

"I'm really tired."

He watched her enter the bedroom - their bedroom - and close the door.

"Looks like you're on your own tonight, Ryan." he said to himself, "and as Alexx isn't her doctor, the usual confidentiality rules don't apply, so I'll have to find out from her what's going on."

Ryan slept in the spare room while Calleigh spent it awake and mostly in tears.

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Next morning, Ryan was up early, drinking his coffee and about to wake Calleigh when she emerged from the bedroom, red eyed and shadows beneath them.

"Cal, what's wrong?" he moved towards her and she backed away, her hands moving instinctively to her stomach," No, oh no. You lied to me, Cal!"

"And what was I supposed to say. You've made it clear you don't want this baby - any baby with me!"

"That isn't true, Cal. About never wanting one with you - just not yet. I want some time with just us, so much has happened the past few months, we need time to adjust, get used to one another. I don't want to have to share you just yet. Come here, Cal - let me just hold you - _**please**_." she leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around her, cradling her gently, "I love you so much, I don't ever want to be without you again." he nuzzled her hair, breathing in her scent, "We'll do whatever you want" he promised, "Just don't leave me, Cal, don't push me away. Please, don't leave me."

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"Hey, Alexx, you around?" Ryan called out as he entered the morgue.

"Ryan, what are you doing here? Alexx emerged from beneath her desk, " There aren't any autopsies for you today - well, not so far"

"Sort of a social visit."

"With me?"

"Well, wouldn't be with any of your guests, would it?"

"True, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing much…you and Cal, you get to find out about the baby before I do. Doesn't seem fair to me." Ryan said.

"Don't take it so hard, Ryan, I just happened to be in the rest room when she found out the result. So, how you feel about being a daddy?" she asked.

"Wasn't in my plans for the immediate future." he replied.

"You'll both be fine. Once the baby's here…"

"Yes, guess so. Has Calleigh said anything to you? About whether she wants the baby?"

"Hmm, I take it you aren't keen on the idea? Should have thought about that before you…well, you know. But Calleigh is the one you need to talk to."

Ryan sat heavily on a chair, holding his head in his hands. "You don't understand, Alexx!"

"So talk to me Ryan. Explain it"

"You can't tell anyone else, I mean Cal knows. She's met Cathy…"

"Ryan, honey, I'd appreciate it if you would begin at the beginning. Who's Cathy?"

"My daughter." He looked at her, trying to read her face, what was she thinking? Surprise? Disgust?

"Well, Ryan, you keep doing it! Just when we think we're beginning to understand you, you throw another surprise on the table!"

"This is the last one, Alexx, I promise. Unless my parents have secret children hidden somewhere"

"So, how old is she?"

Ryan took his wallet out of his inside jacket pocket. He fished through receipts and withdrew a photograph, handing it to Alexx, "She's six. She thinks I'm just a friend of her mom's" Alexx raised her eyebrows, "Lauren doesn't know she's a mom. I don't know if she suspected she was pregnant that night, she hasn't regained consciousness since; she's in a permanent vegetative state." Tears were forming in his eyes, and he rubbed them in an attempt to keep them at bay. "I was recovering from my injuries and then decided to leave home - to get away from what my father had done in helping Forbes stay out of jail. At first, Barbara told me Lauren had cheated on me that the child wasn't mine, but when I kept going back, trying to see Lauren, she told me the truth. Then she said she didn't want David having anything to do with the baby, she thought he might try to get custody - and he probably would even now if he found out. He has to possess things, you see." Alexx stayed quiet, letting Ryan get everything out, "I get back to Boston as often as I can but it's so hard, Alexx, I want to have her with me, but I can't now, she's settled with Barbara, it would destroy her little world to find out who I am. I can't go through it all again, Alexx, to lose another child. I'm just so afraid…"

"But it's different now, Ryan, you're older, more settled. You have a job."

"And my trust fund, don't forget that. Financially we're secure, but I'm so scared, Alexx."

"Trust Calleigh, Ryan."

"I've trusted people before."

"This is different. Poor baby, you've had it rough the last few years, haven't you? And we didn't make it easy for you when you began here, did we?"

"That was understandable, Speed wasn't just a colleague, he was primarily a friend. Maybe I'm just paying for having it so easy the first 18 years. Do you ever wonder how different things could have been? If speed hadn't been killed, then I wouldn't be here, I might never have met Calleigh" he smiled wryly, "If I hadn't stopped to talk to some friends as I was leaving the Prom, we wouldn't have been crossing the intersection at the same time as Forbes, Lauren and I would have gone to Harvard - and Cathy would never have been born."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Oh yes, Alexx. Children were not on our list of things to do for some years ahead. I'd have grown from a spoilt rich kid to a demanding rich adult. Just when you think you have everything planned, life ambushes you. I've been given another chance, a different life. You know, Alexx, I would do anything, say anything to keep Calleigh - but I can't lie to her, she knows soon as I open my mouth."

"It isn't your mouth that gives you away, Ryan, honey. It's your eyes, like an open book, those eyes. They're one of the things that distinguish you from Sean, one of the reasons she knew Sean wasn't you." she paused, returning the photograph, "Very pretty little girl."

"Takes after her mother, fortunately."

"Ryan, talk to Calleigh tonight. I mean really talk to her. You both need to sort this out now. Providing you do, then there's real hope for you, and you belong together."

"You're right; Alexx…and I did the right thing coming to talk to you. Thanks for listening."

"It's what friends are for. You going to tell H about Cathy?"

"You think I should?"

"I think it's worth considering. He wont betray a confidence, you know that."

Ryan nodded, and then did something most unexpected, he stood up and gently placed a kiss on her forehead. "Thanks again Alexx. You know something?" Alexx looked at him, puzzled, and shook her head.

"I love you, too. I can feel it, say it and mean it. I wish my mother had been more like you. Then I'd have known that I was loved."

Having said it, he left before Alexx had recovered her thoughts sufficiently to reply.


	32. Chapter 32

"Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans"

(John Lennon)

It was a quiet day, the kind he hated when he wanted the time to go quickly. They had driven to work in silence, and she'd seemed to be avoiding him all day, when he'd seen her, she wouldn't look him in the eye.

He'd felt a little better on his return from seeing Alexx, and he'd decided that tonight was the night he was going to sort things out with her. He'd hurt Calleigh so badly, and he wanted nothing more than to get home and try to put things right. It was so important that he got it right this time; it was no exaggeration to say that his future happiness, the rest of his life, depended on saying the right thing, in the right way. His mind wasn't on the job and he knew it, to be on the safe side, he'd opted for simple paperwork - the sort of thing he could do on automatic pilot, giving him time to "concentrate on the task in hand".

When his cell phone rang, he picked it up absentmindedly, not looking at the screen to see caller identifier, "Wolfe, CSI" he said automatically, "Barbara, hi. Is Cathy OK?"

"It isn't Cathy, Ryan. It's Lauren"

He felt his stomach churn, "What's happened?"

"She's deteriorating rapidly. There's nothing more they can do. If…if you want to say goodbye to her, you'll need to be quick." She began to cry, "I know we've been expecting it for years, but it doesn't make it any easier."

"I'll get the first flight out. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"But Calleigh…"

"Calleigh will be fine with it." He lied. Cal was going to be very far from all right about it. He tried looking for her in the labs, but she was noticeably absent; he tried calling her cell, but she either hung up or it went to voicemail. He had to make a decision; did he have a greater responsibility to the living or the dying? He grabbed his car keys and rushed to Horatio's office, if Calleigh didn't kill him, he felt sure H would - asking for more leave! He wouldn't be surprised if he was given permanent leave and told to leave the building. H wasn't in his office either; this place was becoming more like the Marie Celeste than a Forensic Laboratory.

He saw them in the break room; Calleigh (in tears) Horatio and Eric looking like thunder. Had she told them? Great, he was likely to end up as one of Alexx's guests. He had to go in, he owed it to Lauren and Cathy, and in those few seconds, he'd made his decision. Mustering as much confidence as he could, he swung open the door.

"Can I have a word, H?" he asked.

"Go ahead Wolfe, I'll be interested to hear what you have to say."

"I…err…I realise I've had a lot of time off recently, but I, erm, I need some more. I have to return to Boston."

"And why is that, Mr Wolfe? You have responsibilities here, it would seem."

Ryan looked at Calleigh, she had told them - why couldn't she have waited? And what else had she told them? "Lauren is dying" he said quietly, "So, can I go or not? I need to book my flight."

"Yes, Ryan." H realised that Lauren was the only other survivor of the accident. Ryan would need to be there.

"Thanks" and he turned to leave.

"Aren't you going to speak to Calleigh before you leave?" Eric demanded.

"Seems she has all the support she needs." he replied sarcastically, "I was hoping we could talk tonight, but doesn't seem we'd have much to say anyway. I really meant what I said this morning, Cal. I'm sorry you don't feel the same way." He walked away quickly before they could see how close he was to breaking down.

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Huddled into his seat on the plane, he pretended to be asleep. The last thing he wanted was to have to make small talk all the way to Boston. He tried to figure out why everything had gone so wrong so quickly - 24 hours ago he and Calleigh were happy, they had their whole lives together, and he never wanted it to end. If 24 hours was 'never', the rest of his life was eternity. Of course, when he gave it a second's thought, it was obvious what went wrong! He was supposed to throw his arms around Cal and say that her news was the best he'd ever heard and start making plans to turn the spare room into a nursery…but how could he when he didn't feel it? It was a complete disaster, one for which he had only himself to blame, well maybe Cal should shoulder some of it too, she didn't…_"Stop it, Ryan. Thinking like that doesn't do any good. You've got to find of a way out of this. What is it you want? Do you really want to go back to being on your own, not trusting anyone? The plus side is you don't get hurt - and that is much, much better than the way you're feeling now. On the other hand, you don't have the fun; you never laugh and seldom smile. Every day, you die a little more inside. __**I love you, Cal**__." _he shouted it so loud in his head he was convinced the entire plane heard it, but he couldn't open his eyes to see their reaction, he was supposed to be asleep! He couldn't see a way out of the situation, the solution evaded him.

The reason for his trip forced its way into his mind. When they were together, he had always considered Lauren to be his 'soul mate' and perhaps she was for the pre-accident Ryan. That chapter of his life was to be sealed forever - no going back, no hoping against hope for the impossible, for a miracle. The memories would be with him, memories that would affect his relationship with Calleigh, if he allowed them to. And, of course there was Cathy. Ryan had said he didn't want to share Calleigh but she had to share him with Cathy, and it was something he hadn't thought about before. OK, it would be different because Cathy didn't live with them and the baby - no, not the baby; **their** baby, would be there 24/7. He moved his hand to feel his wallet in his inside pocket; Cathy was with him 24/7.

For so many years, Cathy had been the only reason he'd carried on. The years immediately after he'd left home when every day was a struggle and the guilt of being the only real survivor weighed so heavily on his conscience. Days when he'd been hungry and cold, things he'd never known before; when he'd struggled to force himself to work after college and complete assignments; when the only comments he heard were those to tell him he was a spoiled rich brat who was no use to anyone.

Then there were the times she'd been sick he'd screwed up badly at work, just couldn't concentrate for worrying about her, especially after he'd moved to Miami and she was so far away. He couldn't say, couldn't let anyone know.

He would call Cal as soon as he landed in Boston, he had to tell her he loved her and wanted to work things through…and his pretend sleep became reality.

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He caught a cab to the hospital. He'd called from the airport, and Barbara had informed him Lauren was still holding on but time was rapidly running out. Calleigh had her cell phone on voicemail, and he'd left her three messages so far. Once he got to the hospital, he wouldn't be able to call again for a while.

As the cab drew up outside the hospital, he pulled a couple of bills out of his wallet and pushed them into the drover's hand.

"You gonna wait for your change, buddy?" the cabbie yelled as Ryan got out of the cab and began running for the entrance. Slowing to a fast walk, he crossed the lobby and chose to run up the stairs, clearing two steps at a time, rather than wait for the elevator.

Barbara and her husband were there, naturally, Barbara cradling her daughter and her husband holding the dying girl's hand. She motioned to Ryan to come and join them.

"I think she's been waiting for you." Barbara said," The doctors didn't expect her to last so long."

Ryan sat on the bed, took Lauren's left hand in his and gently kissed it. "Till death, my darling." he said quietly.

The heart monitor beeped erratically then the ominous single screech signalled that their beautiful, talented, laughing girl had at last found peace. Ryan turned to switch off the monitor, other than that there was no movement, no-one wanted to be the first to let go, they all knew that once they did that Lauren would be gone from them forever.


	33. Chapter 33

Rosemary for Remembrance

They had left the hospital reluctantly in the early hours. Barbara had insisted he stay with them, the spare room was exactly that, and as Ryan hadn't booked a hotel and had no desire to stay with his family, there was no argument as far as she was concerned. John had gone to bed, leaving Ryan and Barbara to talk sitting at the kitchen table, as they had in the past following a recital when both Lauren and Ryan were still too hyped by adrenaline to even think about sleeping and he wouldn't go home because they didn't understand how it was. They talked at length about Lauren, remembering the good times, the crazy times. Eventually, Barbara said, "How is Calleigh?"

"Good." She looked at him, was he really so easy to 'read'? "OK, we had a fight. I don't think she's speaking to me yet."

"She didn't seem the sulking type to me. More your 'let's sort this out' type"

"Yeh, she is, normally." his eyes scraped the floor; "She's pregnant." his voice was so low as to be almost inaudible.

"And you're not happy with that?"

Ryan shook his head. "It hurts too much when things go wrong"

Barbara had always considered that that he'd been content to be the favourite 'uncle', it had never occurred to her that he might want to play a bigger role in Cathy's life and she suddenly realised that he had paid a high price emotionally to allow her the stable environment she needed. "And you're expecting things to go wrong? Hardly a good basis for a relationship. It seemed to me that you both had far too much going for you. You love each other, where's the problem?" Ryan looked at her, "Don't look like that Ryan. I know you love my daughter and perhaps you feel you're being disloyal to her by going with someone else, but Lauren would never have wanted you to live the rest of your life alone. It's time you rejoined the living, you've spent far too many years living in the shadows of the dead."

"I can't believe I can never see her, visit her again." he controlled the tears threatening to flow, "I should be comforting you, not the other way round"

"I have shed many, many tears," she replied, "and I will shed many more, but right now you are the one who needs the understanding." she paused, "We heard what your father tried to do to you in Miami."

"How?" He knew Horatio wouldn't say anything, he didn't think Calleigh would trust Barbara enough to tell her and Barbara was still not on speaking terms with his family.

"Ron. He was really worried about you, what with Forbes being involved in an almost identical accident and you being one of the first on the scene, then your father using your memory loss to pressurise you to resign from the lab. He didn't think that mentally you were going to get through it, but you're much stronger than any of us gave you credit for. You really are a most remarkable young man, Ryan Wolfe; I can understand why Lauren and Calleigh love you so much."

Ryan blushed visibly, "Lauren loved who I was, she might not have loved me now; and as for Cal, I don't know if I'm going to be able to find the words she wants to hear. I told her I didn't want to share her with anyone else - pathetic, isn't it?"

"It isn't exactly mature, but I think it possibly it has more to do with Cathy."

"It is hard," he admitted, "every time I see her, every time I have to leave her. It doesn't get any easier as time goes by, it gets worse."

"Do you ever think of applying for custody?"

"At least every single day, that's when I'm being completely selfish and self centred."

"And now Lauren is…"

"I said I think about it, not that I would do it, especially not now. This is the only home she's ever known, she's happy here, and she's just lost her mom. How would it be in her best interests if I took her away so she'd lose her home as well? She doesn't even know I'm her dad! "Was that bitterness Barbara heard in his voice? "What **I **want isn't what is important" he continued, "Cathy is the innocent, her interests have got to be the priority. Besides," he began picking at his hands, "I don't think Calleigh…I haven't brought the subject up because it isn't a possibility. I just don't know what her reaction would be; especially now she's pregnant."

"Do you think that perhaps that's the main reason why you don't want her to have the baby?"

He shrugged, "Possibly. If she has her own child, she won't want mine."

"Ryan, just **think** about what you're saying."

"I know, she's having **our** child, not just hers…but Cathy - I love Cathy too." He stopped, not wanting to cause Barbara any more pain.

"It's OK, Ryan, really. But I'm tired now, and we have a lot to arrange - will you be able to stay until the funeral."

"Of course, I must say goodbye to her."

"Would you do one of the readings?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Lauren would want you to." she said.

"Never could say no to her." he smiled.

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It had been a busy morning, making the final arrangements for Lauren's funeral. Barbara had said that they'd had years to prepare, not that it made her death any easier. Barbara's sister brought Cathy back late afternoon; her grandparents had their hugs first, Ryan stood back, wanting to scoop her into his arms and hold her tightly.

"Ryan!" she yelled, running over to him, her arms raised to be picked up, "where's Calleigh?"

"Working" If everyone else could tell when he was lying, he wasn't taking any chances with her.

"My mommy's gone to heaven."

"Yes, darling, she has." he replied

"Do you think she can see me now?" she asked, "she couldn't before when she was asleep all the time."

"I'm sure she can."

"Do you think she'll like me, Ryan?"

"Of course she will. She'll be so proud of you."

"Really?" her eyes shone, as Ryan's did but his was because the tears were threatening, but he knew he couldn't let her see him crying. She was getting heavy, so he sat on the sofa, her on his knee. "Does my daddy know mommy is in heaven?"

"Yes" he was finding it difficult to speak.

"Does he know about me?" Ryan just nodded, not trusting himself. "Why didn't he want me?"

"He does, but when you were very little, still in your mommy, well, he was very poor and didn't even have a proper home to live in. He knew gammy and gampy would look after you and you'd be safe here."

"Ryan."

"Yes, honey?"

"I wish you could be my daddy."

He rested his cheek on her head, there was no holding back the tears now, he couldn't look her in the eye, "Me too, darling. Me too."

"My best friend Emma is adopted. Her mom and dad told her she is special 'cause they chose her. Can I choose you, Ryan? Can I adopt you?"

"Maybe we can pretend, but keep it between us. We'll talk about it later - OK?"

He looked at Barbara, pleading with her to take Cathy so he could escape to the yard, where he could give in to the emotions that were tearing him apart.


	34. Chapter 34

_Thanks to my long-term 'encouragers' Dutchie 15 and Story Dancer. Thanks to everyone else for the feedback, it really is very much appreciated. I hope you'll continue to enjoy!_

_And though I haven't put it for some time, I still don't own CSI Miami, though I still wish I did! I have almost finished playing with the characters and will return them to their boxes more or less in the state I removed them._

Another Day

He had found a spot out of sight of the house, leaning against a tree and sheltered by a lilac bush; he tried again and again to reach Calleigh but was directed to the voicemail. He was aching inside, he wanted her - wanted to hold her, wanted her to tell him it was all going to be OK, wanted her to tell him she loved him. He was so worried he decided tot try another number, "Alexx, hi, it's Ryan"

"Ryan, how are you sweetie?" he could hear the concern in her voice and could picture her leaning forward onto her desk. "How is Lauren?"

"She died soon after I got here, but I made it in time…just. Things are a bit, erm, difficult, but I've been trying to get Calleigh - I know she's mad at me, but her phone has been turned off since yesterday. It should be on during work, and I was worried that something may have happened."

"She's fine, Ryan. She was on a case and dropped her cell into the pool; she's waiting on a replacement."

"Thank goodness! Will you tell her I'm sorry, I love her and can we talk when I get back?"

"Don't worry Ryan, you'll get a chance to talk. She's been as worried about you as you have about her. As soon as she gets her new phone she'll call you. She tried last night, but you must have been at the hospital and by the time she got home, it was too late to call, at least so she thought"

"Barbara and I were talking till about 4am, but Cal was right, it was best not to disturb us. Oh, tell Cal that Cathy was asking about her. Look, I can hear someone coming, I'd better go now. But, thanks for putting my mind at rest, Alexx. Bye"

"Bye, Ryan, you take care now, you hear me?"

Ryan flipped his cell phone shut and turned towards the sound of footsteps coming down the path.

"Uncle Ron! What, how did you get here?" Ryan jumped up, ready to shake his uncle's hand but instead was grasped in a bear-like hug.

"Big metal thing, had wings and an engine, think they call it a plane." Ron replied.

"But you hate flying!"

"When my favourite nephew needs some support, little things like fear of flying don't come into it. How are you, my boy?"

"Why is everyone so concerned about me? It's Barbara and John who need the support."

Draping his arm round Ryan's shoulders, he guided him back to the house, "Barbara said something about Camomile tea. I said I'd rather have a bourbon, what you have is up to you."

"You sure you're related to my father?" Ryan asked. He couldn't remember his father even hinting at a joke.

"Love of a good woman, Ryan. Your aunt looked nothing like Calleigh, but she had a similar temperament - feisty, independent and absolutely loyal if you could only get past those barriers they build up. Takes time and effort, but it's worth it."

"I wish I could have known her."

"Me too, boy. Wish you could have known your cousin too, but wasn't to be. Grab your chance with both hands, Ryan, I did. Never regretted it, not for one second."

"You never met anyone else?"

"Women like that come along once in a lifetime - except for you, of course. You always did like to be different!"

As they entered the house, Ron caught it. If he hadn't been looking directly at Ryan, or if he'd blinked at the wrong time, he'd have missed it; a microsecond's glance. Ryan looked at Cathy in the proud and loving way a parent often did; he'd seen his wife look at their son the same way. "Think we need to talk, Ryan." he said.

"Later" he agreed as he lifted Cathy again. She put her arms round his neck and rested her head against his face.

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Later that evening, when Cathy was fast asleep, they were sitting and talking generally when Ron asked, "When were you going to tell me? Ever?"

Ryan reddened, "About?"

"You know very well, Ryan, about Cathy. About how you are her father. Never made the connection before today, but then I've never seen you together before today either."

Ryan looked at Barbara and John, unsure of what to say.

"Come on Ryan, it isn't a trick question."

"We didn't want David to have anything to do with her." Barbara interjected.

"That I understand, and I was in partnership at the time. But after it was dissolved, why not then? Why keep it secret from me Ryan? Didn't you know you could trust me?"

"The longer it went on, them more difficult it became to tell you the truth." Ryan said ashamed.

"And Cathy, she doesn't know either. Don't you think she has a right to know?"

"John and I have been talking about that" said Barbara

"Halleluiah!"

"I heard what you said to Cathy this afternoon, Ryan, and what Cathy said to you. She wants you to be her daddy."

"She wants a daddy and I'm the only man around." Ryan interrupted.

"You're wrong. She loves you as much as you love her. We all acted for the best at the time, but circumstances have changed now. We're all in a much stronger position to stand against him than years ago. I'm not saying we want to give her up, we don't - but Ron is correct in saying she has a right to know who she is, who her father is. We think it's time she learnt the truth, the longer we leave it, the more she's going to resent it when she does find out. Make no mistake about it, Ryan, she will figure it out for herself."

"What are you proposing?" Ryan asked

"Well, John and I always planned to move to Miami when he retired - you and Lauren would be married by then, we thought, and established in your own careers. Unfortunately, the accident and the subsequent hospital bills meant he had to work long after he'd intended. It would be better for Cathy to be away from Boston, she'd be nearer to you, Ryan, she could 'adopt' you as she wants - even though she doesn't understand what it really is."

Ryan couldn't believe his ears, was Barbara saying what he thought she was? Were they planning to move to Miami. They couldn't, could they? He wanted it to be true, but what of Lauren, they surely couldn't leave her alone?

"We've been making arrangements to have Lauren's body transported to Miami, where she will be buried. We hope this won't cause any problems with you and Calleigh, but we think it will be best for Cathy. Neither John nor I is getting any younger, we may not be able to cope when she gets to her teens. It would be far better for her to know her father is around ready and willing to support her…and of course she has the prospect of a brother or sister to look forward to."

Ron's jaw dropped, what on earth had Ryan been up to? Well, he knew what, of course - but in the space of a few hours, he'd learned of one child and now the prospect of another!

Any further discussion was silenced by Ryan's cell phone ringing,

"Wolfe…"he began, then his voice changed, "Cal, it's so good to hear you!" he turned to everyone, "I'll be back when I've taken this call. No, Cal, we're just talking. When I couldn't reach you I was so worried about you…"

The rest of the conversation was lost to the others as he closed the door behind him.

"Cal, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry"

"Me too, Ryan. I spoke to Alexx, she said she told you about my cell."

"Can't tell you how relieved I was when I spoke to her. Things have changed here. I may be coming home tomorrow."

"Aren't you staying for the funeral?" Calleigh's voice was surprised.

"Yes, and no. She's being interred in Miami. John and Barbara are moving there, say there's nothing to keep them here now. And…"how was he going to put this to her? "And, well, erm…"

"Come on Ryan, it's obviously something you think I'm not going to like."

"Barbara overheard Cathy saying she wished I could be her daddy" he heard Calleigh taking a sharp intake of breath, "she and John have decided it would be in Cathy's best interests for me to have a greater input, soooo"

"So what, Ryan?"

"So that's the reason they're moving. Cathy will stay with them, but she'll gradually be allowed to know I'm her father - and to know her brother or sister."

"You told them!"

"You told Horatio and Eric, and they were ready to lynch me!"

"That's true" she giggled.

"That's a wonderful sound!"

"What?"

"You laughing. I miss you, Cal. I need you so badly. How do you feel about Cathy being around more?"

"She's a child Ryan, a child who's lost her mother. Of course she's going to need you. We can talk about this when you get back; but I do understand."

"Thanks, Cal. I love you"

"Love you too Ryan."


End file.
